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Why some pilots should never be allowed to fly
This infamous attempt to create a spin-off from Starsky
& Hutch (AKA Worst!Episode!Evah!) seems to begin innocently enough with a hard-working elderly couple at Caplan’s Dry-Cleaning and Custom Tailoring, and a nice young man waiting outside in his car reading “The Art of Liking Yourself.” But no! That insecure young
man is working out his issues by sending in goons to shake down protection money from hapless shop keepers, who are none
other than Starsky and Hutch undercover. While Hutch is rumoured to look good in basic black and pearls, Starsky actually
looks rather adorable in blue plaid with a woolly cardigan, and we learn the important canon point that he keeps his cuffs
in his bra. Also, for fans of Starsky’s classic “Huuuuutch!,” we counted no fewer than four of these hollers
for his beloved… er, we mean partner, while they attempt to bring down “Moose Breath” - a possible record
for “Huuuutchs” per second.
Alas, now the actual plot ensues. A scantily clad ‘lady’
by the name of Foxy Baker tries to interrupt Starsky and Hutch’s 1977 Smackdown, begging them to help her find her husband.
Hutch, wisely smelling a stinker of a plot hidden under that pretty peach negligee, sends her off to “The Pits”
to find newly minted private detectives Huggy Bear and “Turk” AKA J.D. Turquet AKA “Red Neck Clod
Kicker.” How our beloved and sophisticated clotheshorse Huggy linked up with this southern white boy with a “my
ol’ grandpappy” accent (that's as consistent as this episode’s humour) is never explained. That's
probably for the best, although RC and EH speculate that the closer Huggy Bear stands to the Turkey, the more IQ and Coolness
points he loses, but we leave that for the PhD candidates to conduct further research.
Despite Turquet’s reluctance to take on a job of finding
Walter T. Baker, AKA the Black Bugs Bunny (we’re not making this up), in a neighbourhood where he considers marriage
licenses to be “learner’s permits,” $200 changes his mind. So, we’re off to see “Blind Bessie”
(played by Sanford and Son's LaWanda Page) who supplements her income as a psychic by selling horse racing tips to fishes like Walter T. Unfortunately,
Bessie is prejudiced against honkies (one of many slang terms from the seventies that died with disco), and other than learning
that Huggy does one heck of a Sir Lawrence Olivier impression, we now experience the first of many racist cringe-worthy moments
as Turquet attempts to sound “blacker.” Turkey’s “Tell me when do the new Cadillacs come in, or I’m
goin’ to cut you sucker” is even worse if you’re aware of the bigoted belief of the era that the real black
man’s dream was not for equality but the biggest Cadillac he could buy. EH would go on, but she’s too busy writing
a letter to the Black Panther Party apologizing for not supporting them during her youth.
Fortunately, Blind Bessie does strike
a blow for her brothers and sisters by pouring piping hot soul food on Turkey, telling him he’s lucky his “Leroy”
impression didn’t earn him an extra helping on his lap. However, the blind yet “all-seeing” Bessie tells
them to check out Doc Rafferty, the neighbourhood’s false-tooth and fake passport dentist, but neglects to warn them
(accidentally, we’re sure) that two hoods, Milo and Sugar, respectively resembling an Advertisement for Hawaiian Punch
and a Refugee from West Side Story, are waiting to pound the location of Walter T out of both of their hides.
Huggy saves the day by giving up
what little they know before the first punch is thrown - at him, anyway. However, Turquet’s baby-blue anti-Torino fails
to save their butts from being caught by mobsters working for “Low Self-Esteem” Sonny and his father “Bad
Dad” Watson.
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| I could have sworn I told the minions to pick up Starsky and Hutch... |
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| Actor Stan Shaw contemplates feeding Whitey's hand to his agent. |
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| She may be Foxy, but would YOU buy a used car from her? |
Is it my imagination or is this show never-ending?
Because they’re obviously thinking with their
little heads, Huggy and Turquet follow Foxy’s instructions and – gasp - end up almost getting their
big heads shot off. A glimpse of a black figure wearing a plaid shirt causes them to assume Walter T is the shooter. The audience,
that is if there are any left, are not kept in suspense long. Not only is Foxy the plaid perp, she’s in cohoots
with Smithers – whoops – we mean Sonny Watson to steal the $300,000 from underneath Bad Dad’s oxygen mask
and frame everyone else.
Meanwhile, Huggy and Turkey are still in the dark, in more ways than one. They
do manage to stumble across Mr. Hawaiian Punch who menaces them with a gun, while the ex-Sharks chorus
member menaces them with a … chocolate bar. We do our best to ignore any homoerotic subtext in this scene, mostly
due to the fact that we've just noticed that Turquet is a mutant. Either that, or he has stuffed a tube sock
down his pants in a pathetic attempt to compete with Starsky’s natural endowments. Plus, even though it’s
kinda nice to see more than just women doing cage dancing in Bay City, neither Sugar nor Milo figured in any of our fantasies.
Due to Huggy’s anti-NRA stance, they abandon the bad guy’s
guns, and call for help from Starsky and Hutch. Remember them, the stars of the show? Ah, but it’s worth the wait, for
it’s the classic Tyrone and Mr. Marlene undercover hairdressing roles. Hutch is grumpy in his pink unisex overalls and
apple sunglasses, while Starsky is positively bubbly in a shirt that shows the horrifying consequences of stuffing a polyester
zebra into a blender.
We can’t decide which is funnier, what Starsky is doing to his client’s
hair, or that he thinks posing as a male hairdresser is the perfect way to pick up chicks. As for the plot, this scene serves
no function other than reminding us that both the private and the real detectives are investigating the Watson family. However,
we will always treasure the way Tyrone AKA Hutch contemptuously hangs up on the Turkey. That, and the way Starsky (again!)
reminds Hutch of how gorgeously his baby blues flash when he gets angry.
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| Actor Fuddle Bagley proves your name really is your destiny. |
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| We're admiring Otis for his large and muscular... mind! His mind! |
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| Action Figure Huggy with Kung Fu Kick! |
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| Tuquet's got a gun! We're all gonna die, die, die! |
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| Rolling always helps... take ten! |
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| Now we know why David Soul was never in Fiddler on the Roof. |
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| Are those handcuffs in your bra, or are you just happy to see me? |
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| Is that love or cracker-cide we see in Huggy's eyes? |
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| Lord, I was wrong to think Sanford & Son was the lowest we could go. |
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| Upside? Interracial couple! Downside? Must. Burn. Slash. Goggles. |
The Plot Sickens
Now, all three *cough* plots converge, as we learn that Walter
T, along with Sugar and Milo, have stolen $300,000 from the Watsons. Bad Dad’s oxygen mask has a sort of Blue Velvet creepiness, somewhat undermined by his fresh fruit basket, and his son’s resemblance in looks and sycophancy to
Mr. Smithers makes their whole relationship rather disturbing. So, if you’re keeping count, Walter T’s wife, his former partners
in crime, and a crime family all want Huggy Bear and his Turkey to track down the Black Bugs Bunny. However, displaying their
first sign of common sense so far, the Bear and Turkey decide it is definitely not rabbit season, and high tail it back to
their office, planning on skipping town.
Finally, we get to meet one of Huggy’s infamous
cousins, Leotis. Turquet had sent Otis to get him a heater, which he did, but unfortunately it’s not a gun but an actual
water heater. Cue laugh track. However, the crime here is not that Otis was unfamiliar with 1940s pistol slang, but Turquet’s
“white man’s burden” attitude towards him. As Turkey comforts Otis by reminding him that he’s an idiot
savant with numbers, the teetering on the edge of bankruptcy P.I. warns Otis not to aim for the lofty goal of private detectin’
until he’s taken a course in basic logic. In the background, we can just make out a University of Oklahoma diploma in
the name of J.D. Turquet, but not the actual degree he earned. Safe to say, the University of Oklahoma isn’t a charm
school. EH meanwhile begins to write out a check to include with her apology letter to the Black Panthers.
Before Turquet can destroy anymore of Otis’ self-esteem,
Foxy, Walter T Baker’s wife, returns with an overdue apology for not coming clean about the whole robbery thing. Unfortunately,
she also dangles the carrot of Bad Dad Watson’s offer of $30,000 for the recovery of the money, along with the dubious
information that she knows where the Black Bugs Bunny is hiding with the loot. The Bear and Turkey’s greed overcomes
their prudence, and they decide to head off to the Old Abandoned Amusement Park (turn left at the Old Abandoned
Zoo, and continue on just past the Old Abandoned Warehouse District). Before they can leave, however, Otis notices
that two big bruisers (the ever popular Sugar and Milo) have staked out their office, and despite Turquet’s scepticism,
Huggy asks his cousin to arrange a distraction. What Otis lacks in subtlety, he makes up in effectiveness, as he throws a
bus bench into Hawaiian Punch’s car window, and a nameless extra nearly gets squashed by a clothing rack as the baddies
spin out of control. Oh well, in Bay City, fashion rules and life is but an accessory.
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| Foxy would have more luck, if he wasn't so obviously a virgin. |
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| Poster children for equal opportunity employment in cage dancing? |
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| Starsky! You're supposed to tease the girl, not the hair! |
Oh God, make the pain stop!
On their own, Huggy and Turquet finally remember Blind Bessie’s advice
to check out Doc Rafferty and his vaguely familiar dental assistant (did we see her in Debbie Does Dallas?), and they learn
that Walter T never picked up his fake passport to Brazil. The reason why is soon apparent, as the Bear and Turkey discover
the Black Bugs Bunny tied up in their office’s closet. While the bad guy’s logic for doing so remains mysterious,
this plot hole is nowhere near as reprehensible as Walter T’s most offensive portrayal of a black man since the 19th century minstrel shows. Foxy’s husband has two modes: grinning inanely while drinking himself
into a stupor and hysterically shrieking, “we’re gonna die, die, die!” We could go on, but EH is on her
way to the basement, muttering something about building a time machine and shooting Whitey from a water tower.
Though RC agrees with the sentiment, we are both distracted from our
plans of retroactively joining the militant wing of the Black Panthers, by the reappearance of Otis in a form-fitting pistachio
muscle shirt and skin tight, burnt sienna pants that show off all of his - oh my - considerable assets. We’re also beginning
to suspect he’s the smartest guy there, as Huggy and Turquet are shocked when Walter T tells them that Foxy has set
them up all to die, a fact he neglects to mention before Sonny’s hitmen arrive. Furthermore, Otis saves their butts
by telling them about the short cut over the rooftops, and his earlier mistake with the “heater” proves even more
effective (and amusing) than a gun, when it’s tossed down the stairs onto Sonny and his thugs.
Their escape is slowed by Mr. “Die, Die, Die” when he sees
the steel I-beam they’re expected to cross between tall buildings and utters his one truly, funny line: “I get
dizzy when I put on platform shoes!” Sonny, after being raised by someone called “Bad Dad,” has no such
fears, and leads his gun-toting goons after them. They almost catch them too, until Huggy displays hitherto unsuspected and
unused martial arts skills to disarm Sonny, and our ‘heroes’ take cover behind what we can only assume is bullet-proof
glass. Meanwhile, the real heroes finally drive up, and use their real detective super powers to figure out that the Bear
and Turkey are in a fight for their lives on top of a nearby building.
While the suspense of whether Starsky and Hutch will get there …
oh, who are we kidding, while we wait for the detectives to arrive in the nick of time, Turquet whines that he could save
them if only he had a gun. Once again, Cousin Otis proves Turquet’s earlier condescension was unjustified, as he reveals
a real ‘heater’ stuck in his sock. While the Bear threatens the bad guys that Turquet can “shoot the warts
off a kosher pickle at 50 yards,” the Turkey proves that he can both shoot underwear off a clothesline at 100 yards
and ruin their advantage by shooting off his mouth about running out of bullets.
Fortunately - you guessed it - Starsky and Hutch
arrive on the rooftop to save the day, the latter using a roll that Captain Kirk would envy. EH is convinced that they arrest
Sonny only because they swore an oath to serve and protect everyone, especially after Huggy brags they didn’t
really need help. RC reminds her that they also wanted to arrest Sonny Watson anyway, and besides Starsky doesn’t seem
to be holding a grudge against them. After all, he practically hands them their next case after taking their statements down
at the precinct. Although. . . his disappointment that Huggy and the Turkey couldn’t stay for an after-case drink was
rather unconvincing, especially with that smirk. Oh well, it all works out as a happy ending with the case closed, the
pilot consigned to TV limbo, and hopefully, Otis getting to read Sonny Watson’s book on self-esteem building and starting
his own detective agency. Or modelling agency. His choice.
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