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You mean like hocus pocus, you’re dead?
At the Jungle Club, Hutch tries to convince Starsky that the joys of wearing rubber waders while knee-deep in trout streams far outweighs the
risks of being mauled by Bigfoot. However, Starsky only agrees to kinky fishing fun at Pine Lake after a female Blondie drops
hints about a foursome in the forest with her roomie.
When Starsky and Hutch follow her home, they discover her roomie is none other than Captain Dobey. He wants them to spend
their vacation spying for The Man, specifically his old pal Walter Healey of the Justice Department. Healey entices our heroes
with a slide show of the bikini babes of Playboy Island.
The catch is that the owner of this politically incorrect resort, William Thorne, is the target of an extremely hostile takeover.
Johnny Doors, the capo of capos, has apparently been sending voodoo “death dolls” to Thorne’s business associates
and Healey’s best operatives, all of whom are now dead. Hutch doesn’t believe in all this hoodoo, but Starsky
does. Nonetheless, they agree to go undercover as SLOBs, a conglomerate of sartorially-challenged sanitation businessmen holidaying
on Playboy Island.
Meanwhile, Walter Healey returns to the island, and meets up with mystery woman Janice. We’d hate to suggest that actress
Joan Collins was too long in the tooth for the intrepid girl reporter shtick, but a bra would have bolstered her sagging assets.
Janice bribes a cab driver to take Healey up the old sugar cane road to the Thorne estate, but before he can grab his cab,
he’s ambushed by a voodoo revival meeting. Their leader tosses white powder over Healey and declares “Now, you
belong to me!” even though Healey is clearly past his prime for the white slave trade.
Healey tries to wipe off the dust of doom, but cannot escape his fate of running through a fake jungle until he falls off
a convenient cliff. The Voodoo Baddie places a death doll on his corpse, which strikes us as cheating since all the others
got dolls before they died, but his maniacal laughter indicates a high degree of job satisfaction.
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| Didn't I see you in that "Prison Vixens Go Wild" movie? |
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| We never thought there'd be TOO much homoeroticism in this show. |
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| This gives "we're in a pickle" a whole new meaning. |
The strangest things have been happening.
Huggy's plan to sneak Starsky and Hutch into the charity ball disguised as calypso singers is not a bad idea, except they
don’t know any calypso songs. And maybe it was necessary to dress them up in pirate costumes that make Captain
Jack look like the straightest sea dog in history. However, Starsky and Hutch in black face goes well beyond the pale, so
to speak.
As we squirm in shame, Huggy leads the crowd in a limbo dance, while Starsky and Hutch sneak off to rescue Thorne. Thanks
to Starsky's machinations, the guard is passed out drunk on vodka-laced pickled pepper pot stew. Unfortunately, they are
again thwarted by the evil dwarf, who makes the billionaire zombie follow him, even though Thorne’s been paralyzed for
three years. We really, really wish we were making this stuff up!
The ever so helpful nurse Charlotte leads Starsky and Hutch to Papa Theodore’s secret headquarters near the Thorne mansion.
She's also able to provide in depth commentary on all the voodoo they watch through the window. Presumably the toxic fumes
from the shoe polish on their faces prevent them from wondering how she knows all about this stuff. Then again, they also
think that it's legal for California cops to kidnap Mr. Thorne off an island in the British West Indies. We foresee a lucrative
career for them as no holds barred bounty hunters post-Sweet Revenge.
Inside the voodoo shack, there’s no cover charge if you’ve brought your own stuffed boar’s head. Papa Theodore
makes the zombie Thorne kneel before him, and his followers perform a voodoo version of Dirty Dancing. Outside, Starsky and Hutch are surrounded by buff men in very tight, white trousers who are wielding impressive. . . machetes!
Machetes!
Ahem, Papa Theodore is understandably upset by their Al Jolson impersonations, although calling them blasphemers is unfair considering his less than accurate portrayal of Voodoo's beliefs and practices. He throws his magic white powder over Starsky and Hutch and we decide to hell with political correctness.
Anything that makes our heroes writhe in slo mo on the ground is a-okay with us.
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| "Starsky, did you see where the plot went?" |
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| "Brother, I'm gonna need to see some ID." |
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| "Guys, you can't BOTH be the Keymaster!" |
Arrogant rascals!
At the police station, Johnny Doors begs for protection. A freshly skinned boar was left outside his window, and Chief Godfrey
confirms that it’s a death threat. Starsky and Hutch still suspect Doors is involved with the voodoo, but the mobster
proves his innocence by running out into the middle of traffic and dying. Hutch decides that this leaves them no choice but
to storm the castle the following morning. Literally, as getting to the Thorne estate involves traversing both a cliff and
a fort.
Unfortunately, Hutch ruins any element of surprise by sharing their plans with Charlotte. She’s been planning the takeover
of Thorne’s financial empire for five years, with co-conspirators Silky, Easy, Pussycat, and the dwarf. Considering
the exploitative working conditions on Playboy Island, we’re rooting for them to win. Papa Theodore proudly shows Charlotte
his Starsky and Hutch dolls and declares, “the dark shall kill the light.” He then repeatedly thrusts the Starsky
doll into Hutch and predicts “it’s going to be a very long night for our police men friends”.
During the night, we get a brief glimpse of post-coital Hutch, passed out in his bed. A very sweaty Starsky tosses and turns
by himself. Papa Theodore is sticking pins into Starsky’s doll, but we believe that Starsky’s suffering is due
to being prematurely kicked out of Hutch’s bed. In the morning, voodoo child Starsky sucks his thumb, and Hutch asks
him what’s wrong. Starsky tells him about his nightmare, and pulls back the window curtains. Hutch looks like he’s
suddenly realized he’s no longer a virgin, but he’s actually staring at a tiny taxidermied boar in the window.
Starsky definitely got up on the wrong side of bed, with a throbbing head and thumb. He gripes at Huggy, snaps at Hutch, and
even throws away the limited edition Starsky and Hutch dolls Papa Theodore considerately left in his backpack. We have no
cause for complaint, though, as a butt cam stalks our heroes as they climb the Cliffs of Insanity. At the top, Hutch looks
worried as Starsky eyes his ass with a predatory look. When visions of Papa Theodore block this lovely view, Starsky goes
bonkers.
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 |
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| It's a bad sign when your boss uses honey traps to get you into work. |
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| Polyester is not a victimless crime! |
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| Yay! Playboy Island has a Pirates of the Carribean theme park ride! |
Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.
Starsky and Hutch, AKA Fred Night and Ed Day, arrive at Playboy Island, but they’re not the only ones way out of their
jurisdiction. Huggy Bear arrived the day before to procure a cab, local informants, and numerous useful relatives. Hutch scoffs
at Starsky’s research into voodoo, but Huggy confirms that a bokor is terrorizing Playboy Island.
In the meantime, Starsky and Hutch terrorize the skimpily clad female staff of the Playboy Resort with their best chauvinist
pig act. Although, with names like Pussycat, Silky, and Easy, we can’t blame our heroes for sniggering like schoolboys.
Both are dumbfounded at the prospect of skinny dipping in the resort pool, but we're hoping for nekkid man bits before this
episode ends!
Lying in wait in their hotel room is Police Chief Godfrey, played with distinction by Roscoe Lee Browne, the only actor who will retain his dignity throughout this episode. Starsky and Hutch don’t trust Godfrey, so they
maintain their obnoxious tourist covers even after learning that Healey has become a posthumous collector of death dolls.
After an unconvinced Godfrey leaves, Starsky and Hutch decide to sneak onto the Thorne estate via the golf course. Hutch proposes
that they “shag a couple of balls into the rough". Alas, Starsky and Hutch only take off their shirts and socks, but
at least we get to enjoy a wet shorts contest after they cross a river to reach Thorne’s backyard.
Starsky and Hutch try to spy on the wheel-chaired Thorne, but are thwarted by two german shepherds and a dwarf. We wish we
were making this stuff up. Still, Thorne’s British nurse Charlotte very helpfully tells them about the All Saints charity
ball that will be held at the Thorne mansion tonight.
Naturally, our heroes turn to Huggy Bear for advice on how to crash the Halloween party, but first the Bear takes them to
his Aunt Minnie who deals in love spells, hexes, and information. She identifies the bad guy bokor as Papa Theodore, and sells
a lucky charm to Starsky to wear for protection. Apparently, she’s okay with Hutch being voodoo bait.
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| "Huuutch, my pants are falling down! Quick, grab them!" |
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| Hutch suddenly realizes it's Senior Night at the Voodoo Shack. |
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| People say once you've had blackface you never go back. |
Brothers, don’t you know there’ s a sexual revolution goin’ on?
Love is a many splendored thing as Starsky and Hutch roll around in the surf the next morning. They stagger to the trees,
exhausted, and Charlotte drives up offering to help them get off the island. Neither of them wonder how Charlotte escaped
from Papa Theodore unscathed. We’ll blame it on them swimming too soon after voodooing, otherwise we’d have to
question their competency as police officers. Anyway, Starsky and Hutch refuse to leave without Thorne, and pressure Charlotte
into bringing the billionaire to the local marketplace.
That afternoon, Hutch goes undercover as a purveyor of watermelons, Starsky is a door-to-door accessories salesman, and Huggy
serves up alcohol to the equine community. Charlotte convinces the dwarf to help her sample Hutch’s melons, leaving
Thorne and Johnny Doors in the car.
Bay City’s crime fighters spring into action, but a voodoo mosh pit prevents them from grabbing Thorne. Papa Theodore
also takes the opportunity to coat Johnny Doors with his all purpose voodoo powder, which casts doubt on the theory that the
mobster is involved in the death doll dealing.
Back at the hotel, it’s finally time for the skinny-dipping! Sadly, its one of the SLOBs who gets nekkid instead of
Starsky and Hutch. Easy, the girl not the adjective, gives them two envelopes. One contains FBI reports that blow their covers
as trash men Night and Day, while the other is a key to the Playboy Spa. Starsky and Hutch worry that Police Chief Godfrey
sent the first envelope, but naturally decide that investigating the Playboy sauna is their top priority.
Mystery woman Janice is waiting for them in the sauna and asks for their help. She’s investigating what happened to
Thorne’s former head of security who also happens to be her daddy. Too bad the sauna is bugged, and Silky, another girl
instead of an adjective, informs the evil dwarf that Night and Day are cops. Which means Charlotte didn't rat them
out after all, but who's looking for things to make sense at this point?
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| "You know, I think my Captain would really like a chair this big." |
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| It's a frat prank by pledges from Alpha Beta Voodoo! |
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| Damn, Papa Theodore puts the GRR in slash fangrrl! |
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