The Quadripartite Affair

The Quadripartite Affair
AKA The Whimpering Bunny Rabbit Affair
by Elizabeth Helena and Rebelcat

Act 1
"A Whiff of Smoke"

A young blonde woman chases her father, Dr. Raven, who’s screaming at her to get away from him. Parents everywhere can sympathize with him, as it's clear he's fled all the way to the Yugoslavia to escape his shrieking spawn. Dr. Raven’s also being followed by a large white van. Normally, white vans are a cause for concern on this show, but the beret-wearing man riding shotgun is Richard Anderson who will go on to become Oscar Goldman, the lovable father figure to the Bionic Man, Woman and Dog in the 1970s. Sure, he’s currently playing a Colonel Adam Pattner (retired), but EH is confident he’s an innocent roving reporter.

This early prototype for the Bionic Eye was a tad bulky.

As Daddy begs his daughter to go get a doctor, Col. Adam reports by radio to a Harold Bufferton. Harold’s boozing it up while watching everything unfold on closed circuit TVs. He turns to Gervaise Ravel, a beautiful brunette we see one of the screens, for her input regarding Mad Dad. “Kill him,” the deadly dame says. A helpful native smuggler appears, who bears a striking resemblance to Harcourt Fenton Mudd (or Judge Jones of DMc’s The Invisible Man if you really want to ace the geek test). He tries to rescue the Ravens, but he’s too late. EH and Marion’s hearts are broken as Dr. Raven is killed by the evil Colonel in a drive-by shooting in rural Yugoslavia.

At U.N.C.L.E.’s New York H.Q., Waverly is briefing our heroes, Napoleon and Illya. Waverly wants to know how a “normal, intelligent and healthy man” like Dr. Raven could become so frightened that he was reduced to a “whimpering rabbit”. Napoleon appears to be thinking ‘what Illya and I do in our spare time is none of your business’. We’re concerned that Waverly’s knowledge of terrified lapine behaviour indicates that U.N.C.L.E. was pro-animal testing. Illya ignores both of them - he’s busy admiring a photo of Marion Raven, who bears a suspicious resemblance to actress Jill Ireland, then David McCallum’s wife.

Illya covers for his homosexuality. Convincing, no?

Upon learning that the recently orphaned (read emotionally vulnerable) twenty-something gal is back home in New York, the boys race over to her apartment. Illya spends his time complimenting her professional photography skills, although it looks like the photos plastering her walls were stolen from the stock photo collection of the local library (the 1960s equivalent of Google Image Search). This exchange does establish the important plot point that her photographing the yacht Biella is connected to her father’s murder, but we’re wondering where the heck our asexual Ice Prince Illya is. He’s obviously sweet on Marion, but all slash fanfic writers know he’s supposed to be afraid of women because of his sexual impotency that only Napoleon’s manly love can cure! We're aware she’s your wife, David, but please stay in character.

Napoleon tries to convince Marion to leave her apartment for her own safety (read safe sex at his apartment), but she refuses to “run off like a scared rabbit”. “You’re not the rabbit type,” Napoleon agrees. Okay, what does episode writer Alan Caillou have against bunny rabbits? Did one shoot his dog when he was a kid? “You’re a stubborn woman,” Illya chimes in, and that’s Napoleon’s cue to rabbit out of there before the Russian foreplay begins. Before he leaves, Napoleon reminds Illya that Marion’s a “nice” girl (read no kinky whips and chains sex this time). In fact, there’ll be no sex at all, for the moment Napoleon leaves, all of Illya’s interest in the girl evaporates. He instructs her to treat him as “just part of the furniture”. We’re happy to theorize that Illya’s sexual impotency can only be cured by threesomes, with the girl bowing out gracefully once she realizes where his true affections lie.

Section V: Communications, Security, and Wonder Bra models!

Back at HQ, Napoleon is enjoying a slide show presentation conducted by Heather McNabb. No matter how much she sticks out her breasts, Napoleon prefers the bad girls, especially the feline type. “Oh, they purr so nicely” he opines, as we desperately squelch whimpering plot bunnies of NS/Catwoman crossovers. Heather reminds him that Gervaise is “classified as dangerous”, but he responds “a beautiful woman should always be so classified”. Trust us, Napoleon, this is already noted in your Thrush file.

Meanwhile, Marion is trying to seduce our Re-Iced Prince with music and misquotes of Cervantes, but Illya is as much fun as a depressed Don Quixote. Fortunately, a box of chocolates arrives and Illya sends Marion to hide behind the safety beads while he defuses the potential bomb. She’s highly impressed by all of his precautions, and we learn that Illya has a weakness for being called efficient. He has strutted over to supervise her changing of a record, showing off his manly biceps, when one of the chocolates starts to emit a smoky gas behind their backs. Looks like Illya should have gone with his first instinct and nibbled each one to check for poison.

What every fashionable sixties gal needs - bullet proof safety beads!

Understandably, this self-igniting candy prevents Illya from reporting in as scheduled. However, years of being a super spy has given Napoleon a punctuality fetish. Illya being three minutes late calling in makes Napoleon grumpy, and not answering the phone within five rings has him breaking down Marion’s door. We bet agents working with Napoleon quickly learned never to schedule bathroom breaks at the top of the hour.

Napoleon finds Illya huddled on the stairs, terrified. We know it’s wrong to find the sight of a sobbing Illya crawling under Marion’s bar adorable, but we can’t help ourselves. Alas, Napoleon is not a fangirl, and he’s clearly disturbed by the sight. As he reports Marion’s disappearance, he keeps glancing back at Illya like he can’t believe his eyes. Mr. Waverly wants to know if he’s overhearing “some kind of animal crying”. Our sweet Napoleon covers for his blubbering friend, agreeing that it’s “something like that.” We think he should have answered: ‘Yes sir, it’s a whimpering rabbit. You’re familiar with the kind.’

After today, Illya always remembered to lock the door before masturbating.

Act II
“One Lost Fire Inspector”

The baddies are hosting a party aboard the yacht Biella in New York harbour. In a private cabin, a tuxedoed Harold Bufferton is bragging about the wealth of his emerald mines to a slinkily dressed Gervaise Ravel. Adam Pattner is wearing a uniform that suggests he was a Colonel of the Carnival Cruise Lines. Harold’s purpose driven life is to spread money around like fertilizer so it can do some good - or evil. Col. Adam doesn’t see any harm in “overthrowing fools who think they’re running a government”. Harsh, but fair.

Little do they know they have a party crasher. Napoleon Solo has just come aboard, claiming to be a fire inspector, but he soon sheds that disguise to show off how good he looks in a tux. Napoleon manages to peek in on our villains and find a guarded cabin, but he’s unable to charm his way past the goon. So he resorts to a stealthy silenced gun and not so stealthy lock exploding sparkler. After kicking down the door, he shoots the goon inside and drags in his unconscious co-worker. Napoleon then assures Marion and the viewers that both guards will soon wake up with no more than a bad hangover. That's so we know that U.N.C.L.E. agents are good guys who use sleep darts and fisticuffs. Except when they’re the morally ambiguous guys who also use bullets and bombs, but that’s for later.

"Sorry, I already have a boyfriend."

Meanwhile, Gervaise has been alerted to the missing fire inspector and has pulled the fire alarm. Napoleon and Marion proceed to lead the crew of the Biella on a merry chase, with jazzy chase music accompaniment. Entertaining, but next time Napoleon really should plan his escape route better. They eventually locate the side of the yacht with the rescue boat, and Napoleon jauntily waves his gun at the thwarted minions as they speed away. “They do plan well, don’t they,” Harold comments to Gervaise. The look on her face shows that she agrees with our assessment of Napoleon’s escape plan, and is going to smack her sugar daddy for not paying attention.

In Waverly’s office, U.N.C.L.E. Lab Flunky #16 tells our assembled heroes and innocent that the disintegrated chocolate from Marion’s apartment contained traces of chlorazene and picric acid. Further, the blood slides from Illya and Marion “matched exactly” which not only means that they both had diphenyl sulphide in their systems, but that they shouldn’t have kids. After investigating the three ingredients above, we think combining them would actually create a highly unstable, bad tasting antiseptic useful for manufacturing nylons instead of a fear gas capable of making tough Soviets whimper like a bunny. Still, antiseptics do sting pretty badly, and maybe that’s why Illya hates medical personnel so much in fanon.

Hee, hee... Waverly said 'gas'.

As Waverly starts up his noisy reel-to-reel (read state of the art) computer, Napoleon informs him that Col. Adam Pattner was on the yacht, hinting that U.N.C.L.E. has had past dealings with him. Ex-Colonel, Waverly corrects Napoleon, revealing that Adam lost his commission due to “political fanaticism”. We had no idea the Love Boat was that picky about its officers.

Marion’s concerned about her reaction to the fear gas, but Illya assures her that it was a chemically-induced response and thus no cause for embarrassment. Napoleon adds that based on their exposure there don’t appear to be any aftereffects, and Illya suddenly looks shifty-eyed. Uh oh, is he hiding something? Guess Napoleon will find out the next time they share a hotel room. Illya quickly activates the computer which rattles off a detailed history of the fear gas causing Napoleon to nod off. He only wakes up when Waverly connects the disappearance of the gas’ creator with Col. Adam’s resignation. Waverley asks Marion if she’ll track down her dad’s killers in Yugoslavia, and pats her shoulder approvingly when she replies, “I’ll do anything you ask.”

Clearly, Waverly asked her to find him a model plane, because the next time we see him, he’s playing with one as he describes how they’ll buzz Yugoslavia with an old B-17 Flying Fortress. The giant maps and globes in his office could be explained away, but this toy plane is a cry for help. Unfortunately in the 1960s, interventions for audio-visual addictions were rare. Illya and Napoleon are now dressed up for mountain climbing, while Marion’s outfit emphasizes her hour-glass figure. Doubtless, her false eyelashes will provide protection from the cold. Both men try to dissuade her from coming along, presumably so they can indulge in some mountainy man sex to stay warm. However, she says they’ll never find the baddies without smuggler Harcourt Mudd, whoops we mean Milan Horth, and Horth only trusts her. “Next stop, Yugoslavia,” Napoleon says, manfully swallowing back his disappointment.

Waverly likes to make airplane noises when he's alone.

“Three Eggs Hatched”

None of the baddies trust the creator of the fear gas, Doctor “Whimpering Rabbit” Karadian, to handle an assault on their manufacturing base. So, Col. Adam “Vorpal Death Bunny” Pattner is back in Yugoslavia, lovingly polishing his bullets, when the low flying B-17 is spotted. He orders a surface to air missile attack, which transforms the B-17 into exploding plane stock footage. Col. Adam calls this “a lesson in manners for clever people”. Miss Manners, he ain’t.

But it’s all a trick, for a helicopter briefly lands to deposit Napoleon, Illya and Marion. We figure Napoleon was college champion at stuffing people into telephone booths, as there’s no way four people fit inside that two-seater whirlybird. Still, anyone who wants to write cuddly pocket-sized Illya can use this scene as canon support. Napoleon assures the audience that it was a robot-controlled bomber that was blown up, but we suspect Waverly told them that so they’ll accept the free plane tickets on their fortieth birthday. Napoleon and Illya are overconfident in their sneakiness, for it’s Marion who first notices that there’s a gun pointing at them. Fortunately, it’s Horst. As soon as Illya greets him in his native tongue, it’s like old home week. Napoleon looks askance at the grinning Illya, clearly concerned that sexual services were just promised to the gleeful Horst in exchange for his help.

Illya! What have you done with your hair?

At Horst’s hut, we meet his traditional Yugoslavian roommate, whose shiny and tangle-free coat shows that it is a very well-loved goat. Horst tells the agents and Marion that he saw the big bird blow up and a little bird land and lay three eggs. All this talk of food makes Illya hungry, and he starts chowing down. Marion tells Horst he scared the wits out of her by springing out at them. “That’s how I lost my fourth wife,” Horst overshares. We figure his fourth wife actually ditched him because she was tired of playing second fiddle to a goat.

Horst tells them that strangers from all over Europe have come to his mountain, and that he and Dr. Raven tried to investigate a ravine that emitted a strange white gas. Horst is ashamed that he obeyed when his friend told him to run away. We’re distracted because Illya’s sharing his food with the goat, and we thought he never shared his food, except maybe with Napoleon. Just how special is this goat? Napoleon convinces Horst that now’s the time to redeem himself, but also suggests that Marion stay behind. Marion refuses, and Horst says “She’s a brave girl. I like.” Watch out, Marion, Horst is on the lookout for wife number five!

Hee, hee... Marion said 'sex!'

Napoleon is concerned that the climb will be too much for Marion, but she retorts,“Don’t let my sex mislead you, Mr. Solo.” This gets a smile from the adolescent-at-heart Napoleon. Once again, our agents are slacking on the job, as Horst is the first to notice that someone’s sneaking up on them. He throws a knife through the open window, and everyone hits the deck as the dead man falls inside, his machine gun firing. Fortunately, not even the goat gets hit by a stray bullet. Horst declares, “Nowhere is safe! Better we go now,” and we swishpan to a climbing montage. We’re very thankful that power ballads won’t be invented until the 80s.

Marion is soon panting for breath, as the mountain has no truck with her sex. However, Illya is also complaining, and soon the two blond/es are sitting back to back, having a rest. Illya plays with the sight from his gun while Marion claims she’ll “never breathe normally again”. We’re hoping she’s referring to thin mountain air and not some perverted mountain sex gone wrong. “Breathe slowly”, Illya suggests, which does not reassure us, as he’s now molesting his gun. He also reiterates his advice from New York to ignore him, although this time she’s to pretend he’s a rock or tree. “All right. You’re a rock,” she declares, snuggling up to her rocky pillow, which makes him smile. If you’re now humming a Simon & Garfunkel tune, you’ve just dated yourself.

Wait a minute, YOU'RE not Napoleon!

Eventually, they reach a cliff that looks down on the stronghold, which can only be reached by a bridge over an impressive amount of dry ice – we mean fear gas. We wonder if Fear Gas Gulch is full of whimpering bunnies and other fauna, and why Greenpeace isn’t protesting this threat to the ecosystem. What, Greenpeace didn’t exist until 1971? This is so the dark ages, man. Illya instructs Marion to stay close to him lest Napoleon or Horst get a chance at her. Napoleon, however, decides to go solo again, as Illya always hogs all the dress-up time for himself.

So when the infiltrators are captured, it’s only three of them. The baddies loan gas masks to their captives for crossing the bridge, disappointing our hopes for a reprise of whimpering bunny Illya. He looks cute with his hands on his head, but it’s Horst who steals the show when he throttles a guard with his own gun, and then breaks up the tickle fight between Illya and his guard. Illya grabs Marion and they vamoose, but the guard at the front desk sets off an obnoxious alarm before Illya can take him out. Marion wants to go back to save Horst, but Illya drags her outside only to be stopped by a Black and Asian mercenary. We’re impressed by this show of multi-ethnic cooperation, but also disturbed by how much Illya and Marion look like brother and sister at this moment. We’re also bemused by the living room table lamp that is hooked up to the emergency flashing lights, preseumably just in case a deaf guard is reading on the job during a prisoner escape. Harold and Gervaise really are equal opportunities employers.

Wonder Twins powers, activate!

They've obviously cut corners on the Sensitivity Training Seminars, though. We learn that Horst is dead when one of the baddies orders, “Take that dog out and bury him.” Marion looks chagrined and so are we. Who will feed, comb and love his goat now? We never do gain closure on this issue. As Marion and Illya are led back into the stronghold, more mercenaries march in carrying boxes of plastic explosives and mortars. But wait, that last solider entering the Ammunition room looks awfully familiar!

Napoleon just wants to show everyone he's cuter in a beret than Illya.

Act IV
“Two Down Two to Go”

Back on the yacht in New York Harbour, Gervaise Ravel is busy ordering Col. Adam to get rid of Illya and Marion as soon as they’ve been questioned. Harold Bufferton is busy checking out Gervaise’s buns, as she’s wearing an evil villainess one piece bathing suit. Gervaise asks Col. Adam if he has enough gas. We think this is a rather personal question, but he answers that they have enough for the entire military of an unidentified country, “allowing five days for the takeover”. Wait, exposure to the fear gas lasts five days? Were Marion and Illya whimpering for five whole days while Napoleon searched for the yacht? We assume that one candy’s worth of fear gas wouldn’t last that long, but our plot bunnies suggest otherwise. Gervaise sits on Harold’s lap and wishes “we could have done this alone, just you and I.” Yes darling, it’s so dreadful to have to delegate in one’s swimwear, instead of roughing it in Yugoslavia.

Back in Yugoslavia, Illya is racing around their small cell like a claustrophobic gerbil (thought we were going to say rabbit, didn’t you?). Marion wants to talk, but Illya tells her to “just pretend I’m not here, part of the walls”. Marion snaps at him, “Just for once, just once, can’t you pretend to be a human being!” Rebel comments that this must be the source of the Illya the Ice Princess characterization. After EH stops laughing, she asks for some of what Rebel is smoking. Marion’s rant does make Illya stop scrabbling at the walls, and he sits down and puts an arm around her. “For a few moments then, let us pretend I’m a human being.” Awwww. Soon, however, he’s pacing again, until both of them finally notice the gaping hole above them. Illya climbs up on Marion’s shoulders, and soon he’s trying to kick the grating loose. We’re a bit concerned as he’s hanging onto it at the same time, and we speculate that one day he’ll be found on a cell floor with a broken neck, a big metal grate lying on top of his body.

In this very special episode, Illya learns how to feel emotion.

Meanwhile, the guard is clever enough to notice that the mercenaries marching out of the Ammunition Room are one short. He won’t be earning a “goon of the month” plaque, though, as he’s foolish enough to investigate on his own. The disguised Napoleon karate chops the guard, and then crawls up into the conduits to dynamite the electrical system. Now that Illya and Marion have served their purpose as distraction -- AKA sacrificial lambs -- Napoleon uses his communicator as a homing device to find them, and then uses U.N.C.L.E. sparkler technology to unfasten the grate.

Once all three of them are free and gas-masked, Napoleon tosses a fear gas canister at Col. Adam and Doctor Karadian. Their fate would have been more ironic if Karadian hadn’t already been terrified before he breathed in the gas, but we’ll take what we can get. Napoleon announces that there’s a time bomb in the Ammunition Room, and they flee slowly across the bridge, stopping to toss a manikin off of it first. They do manage to get far enough away that they aren't hurt by the stock footage of a mountainside blowing up.

In the 60's, unsightly panty lines were the bane of super spies everywhere.

Later in New York, Waverly is very pleased to learn that the fear gas, Col. Adam, Doctor Karadian, and countless mercenaries are now buried under tons of rock. Wow, we’re used to the good guys angsting over loss of life, even of the baddies, so this is – kinda refreshing, actually. In the background, Heather McNabb appears to be molesting the coffee pot with her breasts. Poor girl, she probably joined the U.N.C.L.E. looking for adventure, and instead got stuck answering the space-age phone and wearing a bun-gun she never gets to fire. Waverly tells Marion, “If there’s anything I can ever do for you, ever, at anytime, anywhere.” Whoa, what did she do to earn such open-ended gratitude? Sure she helped, but is he planning on making her the next Mrs. Waverly? Luckily, Marion is used to such generous offers from older gentlemen and lets him down easy.

Illya insists on walking her home, just as Napoleon enters Waverly’s office. Marion tells Napoleon, “Well, I suppose I ought to say it’s been nice.” Meow. Napoleon replies, “Well, I suppose I ought to say I hope we’ll meet again someday”. Double meow! Illya frogmarches Marion out the door, and we learn that he is under orders from Waverly to help Marion put her unpleasant memories behind her. “Well that seems, sir, to indicate a very sympathetic attitude,” Napoleon says, most likely thinking, ‘just what are you up to now, you ruthless old bastard?’ Waverly tells Napoleon that the affair isn’t over for him yet. Suddenly, Napoleon looks exhausted, but he knows that Gervaise and Harold’s yacht of villainy must be stopped. He tries to postpone strategizing until after the weekend, but there’s no rest for this weary super spy. With a wicked smile, Waverly tells him to come up with a game plan tonight, and then jauntily leaves for the day. We believe we’ve just identified the source of all moral ambiguity at the U.N.C.L.E.: Number One, Section One.

Waverly ensures obedience through the use of his eerie psychic powers.

The End.

Post-Mission Supplementary Report