The Quadripartite Affair Report

The Quadripartite Affair Report
AKA The Whimpering Bunny Rabbit Affair Report
by Elizabeth Helena and Rebelcat

U.N.C.L.E. Gadget Report (Eyes Only)

The cigarette case is demonstrated to be the Swiss Army knife of communicators. It’s a communicator, can home in on other communicators (although the bee-boop sound makes it less than stealthy), and doesn’t even need a flash to take mini-Polaroid photos. Will still be replaced by the pen, once the experimental rabbits in U.N.C.L.E.’s laboratory can be persuaded to give up smoking.


Mr. Solo carries around what looks like a match box to carry mini-explosives. They look like wires that are 5.5 cm (2 inches) in length. He bites them and within seconds they detonate. Good for melting locks or screws, and handy for Canada Day, Fourth of July or Bastille Day celebrations if you’ve run out of sparklers.


U.N.C.L.E. Health Insurance Report (Declassified):

Mr. Kuryakin was exposed to fear gas, but there are no known long-lasting side effects, other than the compulsion to avoid barbers. Some contusions from fights with guards, but bruises look pretty on his milky white skin. What? Nonetheless, Mr. Kuryakin’s feral behaviour in the cell suggests he might require Sensitivity Training for handling innocents. Also, recommend that Survival School add a prison simulation so that future agents won’t behave like deranged gerbils without an exercise wheel. Just saying.


Mr. Solo complained of whiplash, but we suspect this injury was not related to the mission.


Whimpering Plot Bunnies (Public Domain):

When and how did Napoleon develop his taste for dangerous women?

What previous dealings did U.N.C.L.E. have with Colonel Adam Pattner?

Who convinced Illya that people should treat him like he was part of the furniture (walls, rocks, trees, etc.)?

What if the fear gas did take five days to wear off? Just how dangerous would Illya be, pathologically afraid and a trained kill– er, we mean agent?

Napoleon's teeny tiny panties - are these a form of birth control, or does he just like the way the silk feels against his skin?

What happened to Horst's beloved goat? (Yes, we know he had more, but he only really loved the one.)

Why does Waverly call Illya by his first name and give him the plum job of comforting Marion, while Napoleon’s called "Mr. Solo" and told he can’t go home until he’s come up with a plan to defeat Gervaise and Harold? Is it favouritism in action, punishment for some unknown wrong, training for the number one position, or something else entirely?

Has anyone in Thrush (or U.N.C.L.E.) ever exploited Alexander Waverly’s weakness for audio-visual aids?

And speaking of audio-visuals, does anyone want to make a Simon & Garfunkel MfU vid?

Shoot! Did I break ANOTHER partner?

The End. Really!