Piss Off the Ty-D-Bol Man
Starsky is perched on the
toilet, which is wired to a bomb with a pressure sensitive switch. They’re waiting for the Bomb Squad.
Oh wait, they are Bay
City’s Bomb Squad.
Hutch: Starsk, if – if you don’t make it through this, I just want you to know, that night on Playboy
Starsky: I thought we agreed we’d never mention that. What happens on the island stays on the island, remember?
Hutch: But, babe, it was a very special night, and it meant a lot to me, and I want you to know that you made
me feel things I’ve never felt for anyone else. When you did that thing with your tongue…
Starsky: Don’t talk about that now! Any sudden movement might set the bomb off!
Hutch: What? Yours moves suddenly?
Starsky: Oh now, that’s a low blow.
Hutch: Yes it is, isn’t it.
Starsky: Stop staring!
Hutch: I can’t help it, it might be last time I ever get to see it.
Starsky: You sound like you’re sorrier to see my dick go, than you are me.
Starsky: Fine! Now I know where I stand! Sit. At least I know!
Hutch: Aw, you know I’m not serious. I love you for more than just your dick.
Hutch: Absolutely. (Pauses) After all, there’s also your ass…
Starsky: Well, you can kiss my ass goodbye, because if I get out of this alive, you’re never getting your
hands on it again.
Hutch: You mean, there might have been an ‘again’? Because if there’s going to be an ‘again’,
I take back everything I said. I love all of you from the curly dark hair that got stuck between my teeth to…
Starsky: Will you stop that!
Hutch: You want to do it again, don’t you?
Starsky: You just about killed me back on Playboy Island,
why would I want to put myself through that again?
Hutch: As I recall it was Night that tried to kill Day. Man, babe, you just kept going and going and going, and
Starsky: Jesus! Now look what you’ve done to me! The guys are going to be here any minute, what are they
going to think? (Tries futilely to pull his t-shirt down over his Raging Erection.)
Hutch: I knew you wanted to do it again.
Starsky: You’re tryn’a kill me here, aren’t you? I know what you’re doing. You secretly
want to see me blown sky-high, goin’ to my eternal reward riding this throne.
Hutch: Well, I’d rather have you ride something else to your eternal reward…
Starsky: (Mutters) That’d be your eternal reward, now wouldn’t
Hutch: …but whatever happens, you know I’ll be along for the ride.
Starsky: … Aw, hell.
Hutch: Love you, man.
Starsky: Oh damn, just because we’re in the bathroom, do you got to make this a soapy scene?
Hutch: Starsk, are you crying?
Starsky: No! And pass me that roll of toilet paper.
Hutch: I can’t, it’s evidence! It’s got the death threat written on it!
Starsky: Then… then give me your shirt!
Hutch: Starsk, what are they going to think, if they walk in here and find you with a hard-on and me with my shirt
Starsky: Did you have to mention that again? I almost had it under
Hutch: Oh well, at least you’re not crying anymore.
Starsky: I wasn’t crying! I’m congested. I have a cold.
(sniffs dramatically) I’m going to die on my toilet, blown to bits in my own bathroom, with a cold. I’ll be sitting
on a cloud with my harp with my pants down around my ankles and a stuffed up nose.
Hutch: Do Jews get harps, too?
Starsky: Shut up, that’s not the point!
Hutch: Starsky, you’re not going to die on your toilet. The Sundance Kid did not die in his outhouse, and
you’re not going out like this either.
Starsky: I love you too, Butch.
Hutch reaches blindly for
the toilet paper.
Starsky: Hey, don’t disturb the crime scene!
Hutch: Aw, the hell with the crime scene. You want some toilet paper?
Starsky: You’ve got ink on your nose.
At which point Dobey arrives,
with the Bomb Squad in tow.
Dobey: What is wrong with you two? How can you take a perfectly natural,
normal function, like going to the bathroom, and turn it into something life threatening?
Starsky and Hutch stare at
the man in the armored vest with “Bomb Squad” written in large white letters across his front.
Starsky: Hey, Hutch! Did you know we’ve got a Bomb Squad?
Hutch: I thought we were the Bomb Squad.
Dobey: City Hall authorized a budget increase. You’re no longer the only cops in Bay
City capable of disarming a bomb.
Starsky: Imagine that.
Dobey: And yet somehow you still manage to FIND the only bomb in all of Bay City
and SIT on it!
Hutch: But where’s the rest of the Bomb Squad?
Bomb Squad: It wasn’t that big of a budget increase.
The Bomb Squad pauses slightly
at the sight of Starsky’s Raging Erection, then shrugs and crouches down behind the toilet and starts spraying liquid
nitrogen on the bomb.
Dobey moves into Starsky’s
Very Large Bathroom, and frowns.
Dobey: Starsky, I know you’re all keyed up, but can’t you cover yourself? This department’s
been hiring female officers for fifteen years now and they don’t need to see that.
Hutch: I think most of them already have.
Female officer: (peeking around the doorframe) I know I have!
Bomb Squad: Okay, we’re almost done here. Everyone clear the room!
Hutch: I’m not leaving.
Starsky: Yes, you are.
Hutch: No, I’m not.
Bomb Squad: Okay, Starsky, the nitrogen’s gonna delay the bomb for maybe two, three second tops. That’s
how much time you got to get off that seat and into the tub. Pull that bomb blanket down on top of you, and you should be
protected from the majority of the blast.
Starsky: Gotcha! Now get Hutch out’a here, will ya?
Hutch: Starsky, you’re never going to be able to get off that seat by yourself.
Starsky: You wanna bet?
Hutch: No, I don’t want to bet! You’ve been sitting there for… how long now? Eight hours?
Your whole lower half has got to be numb by now…
Starsky glances down, then
looks back up, grinning.
Starsky: Not my whole lower half.
The Bomb Squad silently rolls
his eyes. Stands up.
Bomb Squad: Okay, whatever you guys decide to do, you’re going to have to do it inside of the next minute.
The Bomb Squad hands over
two more vests, and takes off for safer climes.
Hutch helps Starsky put his
Hutch: I do love you, ya big dummy.
Starsky: You just wanna get me naked in a tub with you.
Hutch steps into the tub.
Hutch: Are you ready?
Starsky: It’s a date.
Hutch seizes Starsky’s
hands and pulls him into the tub, knocking the blanket down on top of them both.
A massive explosion ensues.
The toilet is ejected out the roof of Starsky’s apartment and lands on a conveniently parked patrol car, utterly demolishing
it and then causing it to explode as well. Which causes a chain reaction…
When the dust settles, a
worried Dobey makes his way back into the remains of the bathroom. The bomb blanket completely covers the tub, but he thinks
he sees movement beneath it. He lifts the corner.
Dobey: Are you two o… kay… Oh, for God’s sake!
Starsky: Hi, Cap! Can you give us a minute?
Hutch: A minute? Is that
all the time you think I’m worth?
Starsky: Well, that’s about how long you lasted back on…
Hutch: Hey, that was a special circumstance!
Hutch: No, it’s not the end! I need to explain. You see, there was this voodoo drug, and it did something
to me, and…