|
When are we going to kill Starsky?
The scene opens in the playground of The Marshal Center for Exceptional Children. Starsky and Hutch are playing basketball
with assorted special needs kids, although ‘Exceptional’ is a broad enough category that we believe there’s
super-powered mutants hidden in the basement.
Starsky is showing off for his never-seen-before number one gal pal, Terry. She’s played by Season Hubley, better known as Lolly Madonna in Lolly-Madonna XXX, and more recently, as Lilly’s mother in Children of the Corn IV:
Fields of Terror. Starsky is bragging about “whippos and wiseguys” and describing the streets of Bay City as
a “jungle” only he and Hutch can tame. Terry assures him he doesn’t have to worry about keeping his dates
with her, she’ll be there whenever he shows up. EH scores the first point of the game, as only a complete doormat would
be this accommodating.
However Rebel takes special note of the way Starsky and Terry are dressed. Terry is wearing a corduroy suit jacket with matching
pants. Starsky, on the other hand, is wearing cut-offs ripped up the sides to show off the maximum amount of manly thigh,
and a clingy, non-breathable velour top. It’s obvious who wears the pants in this relationship. Rebel takes a point
for herself.
We’re not the only ones watching the Exceptional Students train as the basketball dream team for the Special Olympics. Parked nearby, there’s a car with three men inside. They're the liquor store bandits who’ve been terrorizing
the streets of Bay City and keeping Starsky from his dates with Terry. Starsky had described real desperados, but instead
we have a stoned “Woody the Magic Man”, “Crazy George Prudholm”, and a nameless black dude who drives
the getaway car. Prudholm was the villain in the first season episode “Pariah”, and he’s back to destroy
everything and everyone Starsky cares about. We can tell he's crazy because the Torino isn't even keyed in this episode.
The scene changes to nighttime and Rebel scores another point as Terry dons knee-high black leather boots to pick up a quart
of milk and a newspaper at her corner store. Back at the precinct, Starsky and Hutch hear of a robbery in progress at the
Bellamar Market. Starsky, wise in the ways of the TV universe, immediately exclaims, “That’s near Terry’s
place!”
Sure enough, they arrive to find paramedics working on Terry. EH takes a point as Starsky snatches the IV bottle out of the
medics hand. No one puts anything in his girl but him! Rebel snags a point for Starsky’s, “Sweetheart, it’s
me Davey,” but EH takes another point for herself as Starsky begins telling the paramedics how to lift the stretcher
and carry Terry out of the store.
In summary, the game so far is tied. Terry’s dressed like a dominatrix, but Starsky’s acting like one.
|
| Starsky kisses noses! Nom, nom, nom, nom... |
|
| Hutch forgot that this was HUGGY's afternoon with him. |
|
| "Why would you think I sold you out? I was beaten to a pulp!" |
Let’s find a nurse with a wheelchair so we can get out of here, okay?
Back at the hospital, Terry has made her decision. She’s up and dressed, waiting for Starsky to take her home. Starsky,
resplendent in his best suit jacket - the brown corduroy one he always wears in court - gives her red roses and asks, “Marry
me?” Terry changes the subject instead of answering him, and as before, he doesn’t press the issue. More points
for Terry and Rebel.
Starsky has recovered enough to drive by now, so Hutch snuggles with Terry, proving beyond a reasonable doubt that his bond
with Starsky is strong enough to survive even the most marriageable girlfriends. Hutch catches the new viewers up on the
back story. Years ago, Starsky busted Prudholm's son Gary for dealing drugs at a middle school. While in prison, Gary was
knifed to death. Prudholm blamed Starsky and killed a bunch of cops before he was finally caught.
Terry, unfazed by all this, calls Starsky on his overly-cautious driving. Terry claims she always wanted to compete in a roller
derby, and Hutch takes her side. At her apartment, Terry once more dons her dominatrix boots and informs Starsky that he
will pick her up two and a half hours early for their date tonight. Gee, after all that waiting by the phone, all it took
was a bullet in the head to get him to show up on time. Unflaggingly sweet but now in full control, Terry is widening her
lead over Starsky.
|
| The Police Academy never prepared them for poltergeists. |
|
| Starsky's a cheap date - Hutch probably could have got him for ten! |
|
| Hutch finally gets why red cars are more fun. |
|
| "That's right, Sally. Boys play basketball. Girls cheer." |
Sick men are not responsible for what they do, remember?
At Memorial Hospital, Dr. Quo tells Starsky that Terry will die any moment now. Her deathbed scene is so touching, Rebel and
EH declare a truce, and break out the boxes of Kleenex to wibble right along with Starsky.
The only thing that gave us pause was Terry’s declaration to Starsky that, “some dark night when you’re
all alone, you just close your eyes and you try to remember me. I’ll always be there. I’ll be there waiting.
I promise!” Combined with her vow never to give up on him, we’re concerned that Starsky is never going to be
allowed to move on. Every time he tries to bring a new girl into his bed, he’s going to have the ghost of Terry standing
over them, sweetly shaking her head.
Poor Starsky has little time to grieve. Before the end of the day Prudholm and Woody barricade themselves inside a grocery
supply house with two hostages. Hutch takes charge of the crime scene, telling Dobey to call Prudholm on the phone and distract
him. Starsky wants to go after Prudholm on his own, declaring “This ones mine!” Hutch firmly corrects him, “This
one’s ours. Partner!” Starsky obediently hops onto a motorcycle behind Hutch. Sure looks like Terry isn’t
the only one whose wishes are Starsky’s commands.
Hutch and Starsky drive the motorcycle slo-mo right through the front door of the warehouse. Empty boxes and shiny new garbage
cans fly everywhere. The hostages run away, while Hutch pops a Woody, uh, we mean, grabs a Woody... grabs a guy named Woody!
Prudholm runs into the warehouse with Starsky in hot pursuit. Starsky displays the skills that made him a top cop in Bay
City by managing to throw away his gun with one hand, while simultaneously holding onto Prudholm’s collar with his other
two hands.
Prudholm tries one last mind game on Starsky, attempting to taunt Starsky into killing him. Starsky’s too smart to give
him the satisfaction. We’re hoping he’ll use his three fists of fury to pound him into a bloody pulp instead.
|
 |
|
| "We're number two! We're number two!" |
|
| Who wears short-shorts? The sexy submissive wears short-shorts! |
|
| These losers are S & H's arch enemies? We are SO ashamed. |
|
| You only let bad guys touch the cash register, right? |
It’s unhealthy on the streets to be friends with Starsky and Hutch.
While Starsky camps out at the hospital, Hutch oversees the investigation into Terry’s shooting. From a single unidentified
thumbprint on the cash register, Hutch deduces that someone’s trying to get to Starsky through Terry. Starsky’s
not the only one who has figured out the rules of TV reality.
Dr. Quo informs Starsky that Terry needs his strength to make a decision. EH scores one point for her side, as in-charge
people usually have the strength to make their own decisions. However, despite Terry’s evident concern for Starsky,
she refuses to even tell him what the decision is about! Instead she gives him a laundry list of vital errands such as “tell
Sally to keep working with the pom-poms.” Just as Starsky and Hutch are the only two cops in Bay City, Terry is the
only Exceptional Child teacher. Rebel takes two points, one for Terry’s control-freakiness and another for Starsky
as he only protests mildly before giving up and kissing her hand.
Rebel then takes a third point when Starsky says, “Your wish is my command.” Terry’s obvious pleasure with
this concept makes this scene an easy one to score, although we have to deduct one point based on her surprise that he said
it. Whatever Starsky thought before, he’s clearly not the one in charge anymore. Outside Terry's room, Dr. Quo informs
him that the bullet is lodged in her brain and could kill her within a week if she gets out of bed, or within a year if she
stays flat on her back. EH and Rebel briefly forget all about mind games as Starsky wibbles adorably.
Hutch takes Starsky home in the Torino. That’s right, Starsky’s so upset, he’s not safe to drive. Arriving
at Hutch’s apartment they find Huggy waiting for them. Hutch comments that Huggy looks like he was “hit by a
truck”, but it must have been a Matchbox toy truck, because the only visible damage is hidden by one tiny Band-Aid on Huggy’s cheek. He tells them he was beaten up by
“Crazy George Prudholm”. We learn from Dobey that there was a clerical error at the maximum security hospital
for the criminally insane, and Prudholm walked out, crazier than ever but ill-prepared to beat up skinny bartenders.
|
| "You have to say yes. I'm wearing my going-to-court clothes!" |
|
| "Hutch, is this a bad time to bring up the threesome idea?" |
I like beating a bad loser, it’s no fun to beat a good one.
Prudholm is playing his own sick game, kidnapping the wife of one of Starsky and Hutch’s snitches, Fat Freddie. Prudholm
and Woody then force the horizontally-challenged Freddie to lead Starsky and Hutch into a trap. Starsky and Hutch arrive
at Prudholm’s supposed hide-out and discover the shotgun set up to blast them.
Smug, overconfident, and sweaty Prudholm calls to gloat, convinced that he’s just blown Hutch away. Because everyone
knows that Hutch is top, uh, we mean he goes in from the top, uh, goes high! While Starsky is on the low-down... er, we mean
he goes in low. In any event, this time Hutch wisely decided to go sideways, so the trap is a dud and Hutch is very much
alive.
Relieved, we return to Hutch’s place where Terry is handily bankrupting Starsky in a game of Monopoly, despite Starsky’s
blatant attempts to rob the bank whenever Hutch isn’t looking. Rebel takes a point for Terry, as thievery is not the
characteristic of a secure dominant.
Plus Monopoly isn’t the only game in which Starsky cheats. In miniature golf he makes a pest of himself by tapping
on Hutch’s shoulder when he’s just about to putt, blowing on the ball (golf ball, people!), and anything else
he come up with to distract the competition.
While watching Hutch and his girlfriend ride the bumper cars, Starsky tells Terry he wants to quit the police force and dedicate
the rest of his life to being with her and giving her the things she wants. Terry, in a stunningly smooth act of emotional
manipulation drags him over to the giant slide and says that’s what she wants. She tells Starsky that if he really
loves her, he’ll let her do it, even though it would surely kill her.
He helplessly gives in and starts to head for the slide, but she stops him. She tells him she doesn’t have to ride
the slide anymore, because she loves him that much. The message for Starsky is that he can’t stop living just
because she will soon. The message for us is that Terry has Starsky wrapped so tightly around her little finger it’s
a miracle he can breathe, much less think.
An indefinite amount of time passes. The medical prognosis for Terry is grim, and she runs off to be alone with her teddy
bear. When Starsky finds her, EH gains a point when Terry dismisses her own grief as just feeling sorry for herself. She
even goes back to work to ensure that Sally is still working those pom-poms.
When Terry is struck by sudden blindness during the basketball game, her primary concern is that the children should not under
any circumstances be frightened by her impending demise. EH takes another point, as Terry determinedly puts the needs of
everyone else before her own needs.
|
| We hope Season Hubley wasn't ticklish! |
|
| Riding side saddle is taking the submissive act a bit far, Starsky. |
|
| Oh my gawd! We're missing Charlie's Angels! |
|
