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Love, it’ll put him in the poorhouse.
Another day, another... dime, which Starsky has just scammed off Hutch. Starsky’s attempting to convince his partner
to try an infamous white powder that provides “instant energy”. That’s right, boys and girls, Starsky is
trying to get Hutch hooked on processed sugar! Just say no, Hutch!
Hutch does resist the siren song of candy bars, but only because he’s preoccupied with the dirty weekend he’s
got planned with his new girlfriend. He should know better. Sex is not a safe substitute for sugar. Starsky appears tolerantly
amused by the whole situation, finishing off Hutch’s unusually sloppy report for him and explaining to Captain Dobey,
“It’s love, Captain. Pinches the capillaries. Memory goes first.”
It’s just like all those after school TV specials warned us, pre-martial sex not only ruins your reputation and leads
to unplanned pregnancies, it also causes brain damage.
But Hutch hasn’t forgotten the promise he made Jeanie, his new blonde twinkie, to not tell anyone about their beach
house hideaway, not even Starsky. Uh oh, lying to your best friend in order to hang out with your “cool” new friend
is always a danger sign. Disappointing the slashers is also never a good idea either. Hutch must pay.
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| "In The Da Vinci Code, this symbolizes the universal feminine..." |
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| Hutch resigns himself to joining the Hair Club for Men. |
Monk, how come you’re always wrong?
The sad thing is, Monk’s usually right. It’s just that his old pal Ben Forest is a bully who never listens to
him. Monk tells Forest that he’s rich and evil enough to get any girl he wants. But for some reason, Forest has to have
that whiney, useless bit—er, girlfriend of Hutch’s. Maybe she’s the only one who will indulge Forest’s
kinky Double Indemnity role playing games.
The Neanderthal who had been pounding on Hutch enters the room, knuckles unwrapped, and informs them that Hutch is “out
cold.” “Tough monkey,” he adds, admiringly. Monk looks as alarmed as we feel. Whatever they did to Hutch
in absolute silence behind that door, it knocked him unconscious!
Clever Monk thinks they should just forget the whole thing, but Forest orders him to get Hutch hooked on heroin so Blondie
will confess once he’s strung out. Geez, with that kind of logic, it’s clear that Forest earned his varsity letter
in sadism and not football.
We return to Parker Center High, where Principal, whoops we mean Captain, Dobey is yelling at Starsky about the truant Hutch.
It’s now Monday afternoon, which means poor Hutch has been riding the china white horse all weekend. Thinking that his
pal is indulging in a different kind of riding lesson, Starsky tries to cover for Hutch, explaining “you know how it
is, he’s in love.” Dobey cuts right to the chase: “What you mean is, he’s shacked up.” Happily,
er, we mean tragically, Dobey is also oh-so-very wrong.
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| Starsky bravely drinks his pain away, but beer can't replace Hutch. |
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| Is it time to play 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' already? |
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| Just gimme my medicine. I promise I'll be your tough monkey! |
What’sa matter Monk? It ain’t like we never iced nobody before.
Meanwhile, Jeanie is still waiting for Hutch. At least she’s changed her clothes, but her trashy transparent nightie
and flowered cotton undies, fails as camouflage wear when Forest arrives. Jeanie doesn’t want to believe Hutch sold
her out for a fix, but Forest takes her back to Monk’s house. She cries over the drug-addled Hutch, who is in his happy
- if not terribly clean - place. Monk’s guestroom will never be the same.
Jeanie makes Forest promise her they won’t hurt Hutch any more, but she’s the only one gullible enough to believe
him. Monk isn’t happy about having to deep six a cop, and neither is Hutch once his scrambled brain puts together the
words harbor, shark and bait. Fortunately, the hero of an after school special has to live long enough to learn a valuable
lesson, so Hutch escapes by booting the goon beside him in the head, falling out the car door, and running for his life.
Bernie-the-Super-Cop immediately realizes that the junkie staggering down the street, knocking over pedestrians, is the missing
Detective Hutchinson. We suspect Hutch must've looked really bad at the end of last year’s Christmas party. Bernie calls
it in, and Starsky appears. Screw starships, all you need is love and a Torino to break the laws of physics.
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| Is Hutch copping a feel, or puking in Starsky's back pocket? |
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| "But Starsk, I don't want a threesome with Huggy! Not again!" |
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| Hold on! I can't leave without my lucky tablecloth! |
I’ll be back. You can’t get rid of me.
We know the heartwarming ending must be close when everyone converges in the alley behind the coffee house for a rumble. It's
looking bad for Hutch. The Neanderthal is trying to give him a one way ticket to dreamland, and not the one beside Disneyland.
With an adorable wiggle against the concrete wall, Hutch headbutts his way to sobriety, and climbs the nearest fence (presumably
looking for the closest Narcotics Anonymous meeting).
Starsky to the rescue! After clipping the Neanderthal with his Torino, Starsky shows off his sugar-enhanced superpowers by
firing a round from under his car door, up over the hood and into Monk’s chest. It’s a shame because he was a
great villain, but we immediately forget him when Starsky helps Hutch down off the fence and they hug. Again! We sigh happily
and dissolve into puddles of goo.
Now, our heroes are off to arrest Forest at his mansion, where Hutch finds Jeanie who promptly dumps him. After all, she has
to return to her job as the “World’s Deadliest Olympic Swimmer” on The Doll Squad. Like a scary blonde terminatrix she promises to come back, but he’s learned an important, life-altering lesson. Just
say no to dating gangster’s ex-girlfriends. That’s just fine with us, because he’s still got Starsky, who
offers him the one thing he knows always makes everything better. “Wanna drive my car?”
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| This Very Special Episode of S&H is brought to you by Hershey's. |
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| Phone sex while on the clock is especially thrilling for Hutch. |
Don’t be stupid, Hutchinson. She’s only a broad!
Karma comes down on Hutch’s head in the form of a cosh, wielded from behind in his living room by a goon. Hutch had
just started to undress for his shower. We would have waited until he was actually in the shower before we attacked
him.
As we gaze at Hutch, all vulnerable and unconscious, we note that his bed is positioned so it’s the first thing anyone
sees walking in the door. TV taught us that a wholesome girl next door wouldn’t appreciate this sight on a first date
(“Hey baby, here’s my bed. Wanna boogie?”), but it evidently didn’t put Jeanie off. Oh Hutch, why
didn’t you realize that she obviously ran with a bad crowd?
Now we come to our favorite part. Hutch is absolutely lovely in a stunning chair and rope ensemble, with his wet shirt open
several buttons and clinging nicely to his heaving bosom... er, we meant chest. His very manly chest. The thug beating him
up is clearly an artiste. He’s even wrapped his knuckles, so he won’t graze them on Hutch’s face.
Hutch is tough. No matter how much they beat him up, Hutch won’t tell Monk, the vice-president of the local film noir
club, where Jeanie is hiding. Monk finally says, “Do it to him,” and walks out of the room, leaving us shrieking,
“Do what? Do what?” Whatever “it” is, it’s done very quietly. Despite Monk’s twitchy
glances over his shoulder, there’s no sound coming from the room where they have Hutch tied up.
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| What? My mother bought them for me! |
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| Forest hasn't taken off this suit since Edward G. died in 1973. |
When you see Hutch, tell him he owes me one good waitress.
After checking out Jeanie “how does a phone work again” Walton’s empty apartment, Starsky turns to Huggy
Bear. Huggy doesn’t know where Hutch is, but Blondie isn’t in his good books. Two months back, he showed up with
Jeanie in tow and conned Huggy into “putting her on”. Then one night she and Hutch took out the back way right
in the middle of “heavy trade”.
Combined with the fully furnished guest bedroom upstairs, we’re beginning to suspect that Huggy’s hospitality
business isn’t entirely legal. Hutch clearly had no clue as to the true nature of a Huggy Special, but Starsky’s
been smirking knowingly throughout the Bear’s tirade. Huggy says that Hutch now owes him “one good waitress,”
which apparently is the going rate in Bay City for one unreliable prostitute.
Starsky now heads over to Hutch’s cottage. Hutch’s gun, hanging where he left it on the back of his closet door,
is the only evidence needed to convince Starsky that there’s been foul play.
Back at the precinct, Starsky tells Dobey, “Hutch wouldn’t visit his mother without his gun!” Dobey is convinced
Starsky’s exaggerating (as are we), and asks if Starsky takes his gun on dates. Curly’s evasiveness convinces
us that he impresses the ladies with both his pistol and his gun.
Dobey reluctantly agrees to put out an APB on one Kenneth Hutchinson, missing detective and even more importantly to Starsky
and us, missing partner. It’s none too soon for Hutch. He’s sweaty, filthy, and covered in orange stains which
might be blood, but which look more like Kool Aid. He’s on the floor, begging Forest and Monk for “help”.
We know we shouldn’t be watching Hutch's suffering as avidly as we are. It’s wrong, but we can’t get enough
of it. Crawl, babe, crawl! Tell them where to find Jeanie the bimbo! Ah, the irresistible appeal of torture porn. Those After
School Specials have so much to answer for.
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| Hey, wait a minute. You're not Starsky... |
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| Now we know where Michael Jackson got his inspiration for Thriller! |
Nothing but sweat and pain for the next forty-eight hours.
If we call it suffering erotica instead of torture porn, does that make our enjoyment of it more respectable? Because we do
so love the sight of Hutch folded up in Starsky’s lap in the alley, clutching his partner’s arse for dear life.
And it just gets better from here, because Starsky absconds with Hutch and hides him up in the room above Huggy’s bar.
We’ve got Starsky and Hutch in bed together, hanging onto each other. Starsky soothingly massages Hutch's neck, and
manfully blinks back his tears. Hutch, for his part, tries not to barf.
We could spend hours in that room watching temper tantrums, escape attempts, and sweet, sweet hugs. Sadly, it’s only
an hour long show and coffee and candy bars loaded with sugar cure all things, even a heroin addiction. Along with a dose
of the tough love those afternoon made-for-TV movies always recommended. Starsky not only interrogates his strung out partner
for the names of his abductors, and gets him to confess he gave up Jeanie for a fix, he won’t even let Hutch win at
checkers.
Meanwhile, Monk sensibly suggests that Forest take his Skipper doll and go home, but Forest makes it clear that if Hutch isn't going to be playing in the sudden death round of Tough Monkey,
then Monk is going to have to take his place. Suddenly motivated, Monk cleverly deduces that Starsky must have Hutch hidden
away somewhere, and so he bribes the “street stoolie” Mickey, who’d sell his old lady for ten bucks, to
draw Starsky out.
By the time Mickey calls, though, Starsky’s already left in pursuit of Monk. Hutch browbeats Huggy into calling him
a cab so he can meet Mickey instead. Mickey, who looks like James Cagney with the DTs, pretends to know nothing while Hutch
wobbles in his chair, looking as weak as a kitten. Thankfully, he’s no longer the twitchy, filthy little kitten from
before, but a recently showered, endearingly wobbly kitten. In a lovely bit of serendipity, the Neanderthal alerts Monk to
Hutch’s whereabouts, causing him to leave his house just as Starsky pulls up.
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| Hey, wait a minute! You're not Starsky, either! |
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| "Wanna drive my car to the harbor and feed Forest to the sharks?" |
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