What has two eyes, two arms, and is crazy about you?

The Golden Lady Ballroom has a green poster board advertising “Dancing – girls!” Rebel and EH immediately speculate what nights they have “Dancing – boys!” and whether Starsky lied to Hutch about all those nights he was competing in “dance contests”.

Enter the official villain of the episode. We know he’s evil because he has a suspicious limp, speaks French, and goes to dance hall to play backgammon. Plus the creepy music is a good clue too. This is Joey Webster, ex-Army Intelligence, and utter nutbar. Yes, brace yourselves for yet another sensitive portrayal of traumatized Vietnam Vets on 70s TV.

It’s incredibly dark inside the ballroom. Nonetheless, Hutch is wearing sunglasses, doubtlessly inspiring a young Corey Hart. Meanwhile, Starsky is ignoring his dance partner to stare at. . . Sadly, it’s not Hutch. It’s the giggling blonde Hutch is entertaining, name of Sergeant Kira of no other name. Perhaps she inspired a young Madonna.

At any rate, all three cops are undercover because someone’s been killing blondes at the dance hall. In fact, two women, both of whom happened to be blonde dancers, were murdered six months apart. From this scanty evidence, our heroes have deduced that they have a blonde-fancying serial killer on their hands. No wonder Dobey says they’re the best cops in Bay City!

Kira is not only the bait, she’s the official villain of S&H fandom, determined to come between our dynamic duo. Hutch establishes himself early on as the “bad girl” in their little ménage à trois, by blatantly kissing and snuggling up to Kira in a very “we either just boinked or we are SO going to boink tonight” way. Starsky for his part woos Kira with sweet riddles and says wistfully that he wishes she’d “give up” – her nonexistent virtue, presumably. Whoops, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Joey is busy creeping out a blonde girl wearing a dark wig, who is clearly destined to be his next victim. But what we’re really interested in is the fact that Kira kissed Hutch on the lips, while Starsky only got to peck her on the cheek. She also pretends to know nothing about Hutch taking over Starsky’s turn at guard duty, despite the fact that she already gave Hutch the key so she could meet him at home.

It’s just like all of those high school dating films except the heart-breaking big man on campus is played by a woman! Yep, Kira definitely thinks of Hutch as the bad girl, while treating Starsky as the wait until we’re married good girl. Uh oh, someone’s going to lose their reputation before this episode ends.

It's not where Hutch's hand is. It's the sweater vest that's really scary!

Does Hutch moonlight as an art forger to support his heroin habit?

Awww...

A heart that’s so filled with love it just lights up this entire room.

Starsky and Hutch part acrimoniously, and the story moves back to the dance hall, where the owner, the formidable Mrs. “Boo-bay” (yes, Dobey made a boobies joke!), finds a note from the killer stating “the spy will dye”. She takes it to Dobey and demands in an outrageous French accent that he do something as she’s running out of blondes! Wow, evidently natural blonds are a rare breed in Bay City.

Unfortunately, Dobey can’t hear our suggestion that he have Hutch dress up in basic black and pearls! Hutch has a minor Freudian moment when he comments that whoever wrote the note obviously doesn’t know Kira’s “under bed, er... cover.” Mrs. Booby throws Hutch aside, and when he lands in the chair, he rubs his sore chest. Whoa, a bruised up Hutch? Under bed? Just how kinky is Kira?

Not very with Starsky. He’s getting interior decorating. Domesticity. Fireplaces... Starsky’s trying to get Kira to commit. She stops short of actually saying she loves him, but she’s happy to string him along. She even finally kisses him. But the next night, back on the job, she’s once again snuggling with Hutch. When Starsky tries to intervene, Hutch calls him a “stuffed shirt”.

With all this high school drama, Kira blows off the killer’s attempts to talk to her, and Starsky and Hutch completely don’t notice him stalking the one blonde girl they aren’t protecting. Apparently, her wig has super powers so that only the audience notices it’s not real, and keeps her safe from strangulation. Temporarily thwarted, Joey retreats to his grubby little apartment and talks into his “Maxwell Smart” brand shoe.

It’s a new day, and Starsky’s singing to his plants when Hutch walks in. Starsky announces that he loves Kira, shocking Hutch. Obviously, Starsky finally got laid, and like all good girls everywhere, he’s jumped to the conclusion that sex means commitment. And just as obviously he’s got no idea that Hutch has been schtupping Kira all along. Hutch excuses himself awkwardly and runs off to confront Kira.

A poor man's Farrah Fawcett or a blind man's Olivia Newton-John?

Must. Use. Big. Brain! Save. Friendship. With. Starsky!

I've got a gift for you, too. It's in the bedroom getting dressed.

Give it up, Starsk. That horse has left the barn.

Is he the beautiful blond?

Now, the denouement we’ve all been waiting for, because not even the writers care what happens to Joey at this point. Starsky arrives at the Pits, in his leathers looking like Sandy at the end of Grease, and tells Huggy that he’s waiting for a "beautiful blonde."

Just then Hutch walks through the door, also all leathered up and sexy. Alas, our boys are still not talking to each other, and use Huggy as a go-between. However, their dialogue appears rehearsed, right down to Starsky’s protest, “That’s my line!”

Kira saunters in, looking entirely too pleased with herself. Her smile begins to falter when she discovers that they aren’t going to let her choose between them. Arms around each others shoulders (yeah, those naughty boys are in kahoots), they deliver their ultimatum: both of them or neither.

Proving that Joey wasn’t the only insane one in this episode, Kira passes up on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for a Starsky and Hutch threesome. In a sweet fulfillment of every slasher’s desire, our leading men smile and march off still in a clinch, having finally figured out that Bay City women are more trouble than they’re worth. Of course, S & H genners can picture the two of them rolling around outside of the Pits, laughing their guts out, while the slashers. . . well, the rolling around goes without saying.

Actually, Joey can't assemble an M16 without a blindfold.

It's just a friendly conversation between law enforcement collegues!

Starsky's got nothing to worry about... What? Hey! Stop that!

He's danced closer with his brother. Another trouble sign...

What’s a Starsky?

Back at Kira’s pad, Hutch gets to play tough guy, rescuing Kira from what turns out to be “just another over-sexed family man”. Apparently in the 70s groping random women on the street wasn’t a crime, especially if you had a “wife and two rotten kids” a few blocks away. What’s more disturbing is that after Kira whispers her attacker’s sweet nothings into Hutch’s ear, they both get all hot and bothered. Hutch brags that his imagination is at least as good as the skanky family man’s, and... thank God, it’s fade to black. If that’s the sort of thing that turns them on, we don’t want to see!

Meanwhile, poor Starsky is back at the station pouring his heart out to a sympathetic Minnie. Sort of. It’s all in what he doesn’t say, but it’s clear he’s carrying a torch for Kira, and he’s suspicious of Hutch’s intentions towards her. Minnie’s very low opinion of the “gorgeous blonde sergeant” – meaning Kira, not Hutch – is just as obvious. Apparently, Kira’s the department slut, and only Starsky hasn’t noticed yet.

The next morning, we perk up at the realization that Hutch has his old car back. We thought it had been blown up a few episodes back, but there it is! Maybe it was all a bad dream. Or just like after Survival, Starsky bought Hutch another junker and then lovingly used a baseball bat to give it identical dents. Regardless, we now get a nice panorama of Hutch’s apartment, including a cubist painting of his childhood milk and cookies angst, and the chenille bedspread covering his not slept in bed. Starsky’s curled up in a fetal position on Hutch couch, with the pillow over his head. To block the light or to hide his tears? Either way it’s about the saddest sight we’ve ever seen.

Hutch walks in whistling a jaunty “I just got laid” tune, and Starsky immediately starts in on him about his unprofessional conduct in the case. It doesn’t take long to reveal the real issue, which is that Starsky is the only person in the universe who thinks he’s been dating Kira for a month. Even Hutch only guesses a week, and Kira herself hasn’t shown any indication yet that she’s aware they’re dating at all. Starsky says something about how “under normal circumstances” he’d wipe the ground with Hutch to win Kira’s affections. Rebel and EH’s ears perk up immediately. How are these circumstances abnormal? We nobly force ourselves to stare at Starsky’s tight jeans to solve this mystery.

I swear, Cap. Her balls were THIS big! I couldn't say no.

You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. Or a dull spoon...

Honestly, there's more sexual attraction between Starsky and his plant.

You see, dear Hutch, you want your cake, but you’re afraid to eat it.

Ah, but Kira claims to love both Starsky and Hutch. While we’re familiar with the feeling, Hutch can’t cope with the apparent contradiction. He claims that he’s a “one man, one woman kind of guy.” She forces him to admit that he has slept with more than one woman in a week, but he claims he’ll only play hide the salami with women he likes. Which, we suppose, makes him a serial like-ist. Kira makes a suggestive comment about eating cake, licks his fingers, and Hutch’s brains fall right out of his pants. When she asks how he feels now, he can only respond “full of you”. We’re horrified by the idea that Kira owns a strap on, and that she left it inside Hutch two nights ago. Although that would explain why he was so tense and wouldn’t sit down when he visited Starsky.

Speaking of Starsky – here he comes, barreling up the road. He spots Hutch’s car and blocks it in, yelling at the guy who dares question his right to double park. Traffic regulations are immaterial when twoo wuv is on the line. Kira smirks as Starsky barges in, looking for Hutch. Hutch slowly emerges from the bedroom looking like he’s been ridden hard and put away wet. Given that Kira is as fresh as the proverbial daisy, this is further confirmation that she’s a kinky dominatrix. She plays it sweet and vanilla with good girl Starsky, but she’s all whips and chains with Hutch.

When Starsky body slams Hutch, Kira pretends to be shocked by this display of caveman jealousy and throws them both out of the house. Even Rebel’s gen hubby commented, “Man, she’s trying to break those two up!” Meanwhile Joey – remember him? – is off merrily killing himself a blonde, whose real hair looks faker than her dark wig. At the crime scene, Hutch takes his frustrations out on the overworked forensic guy, whose only clue is a small piece of rubber. Dobey orders Starsky and Hutch to couples counseling, and the scene cuts to Joey planning the “total demolition” of the Golden Lady with one grenade. We didn’t think Bay City’s building codes were that lax, but the dramatic music tries hard to convince us to be worried.

That night at the dance hall, Hutch is dancing away his emotional and physical pain, Starsky is listless, and Kira has finally hooked up with Joey. While we shout “kill her!” at the screen, Hutch gets a phone call and learns that the killer might have a cane. Unfortunately, this means Hutch stops Joey from shoving his grenade in Kira’s ear. We couldn’t help but think there was a roomier (dare we say, well traveled) passage on her body Joey could have threatened. Still, there’s a moment of beautiful teamwork, where Hutch lobs the live grenade to Starsky, who then pitches it out of the room before it explodes. Now is the moment of life-threatening peril in which Kira will show where her true affections lie, right? Instead, she crawls over to Joey. Starsky and Hutch exchange a glance, before Starsky looks down at his sneakers. The poor pookums is still depressed.

S: Now we get to be dominatrixes! H: Starsk, that's the wrong word.

Oh God! That's why they moaned each other's names in bed.