Cops Aren't Supposed
to be Happily Married
As the episode begins, we learn
that it’s a good thing Hutch stole Abigail Crabtree from Starsky in Deadly Imposter
because she’s a health nut who’s into fasting. Starsky teases them both in Parker Central’s cafeteria for
liking butterfly bones (banana chips), black strap molasses, and impregnated
wheat germ. Like the kid at heart he is, Starsky is highly amused by the word “impregnated”.
However, we begin to suspect
that Hutch’s focus is not so much healthy eating as it is healthy amounts of sex when he replies, “What the lady
wants, the lady gets.” As they leave, Hutch needles uniform Jim Nedloe and his wife Dorothy for being happily married,
and advises that he should throw her around a bit to keep up the bad boy cop image of Police Story. Ah, now we remember why we didn’t find jokes in the 70s all that funny.
Fortunately, we now meet the
real bad guys, Lola Turkel and Bo Rile who run Bay City’s Bail Bonds, Bounty Hunting, & Blackmail Emporium. Unfortunately
for Jerry Konig, his career as an Arsonist, Burglar, and Bail Jumper abruptly ends when he’s foolish enough to tell
Lola he’ll go to the police if they keep trying to bleed him for cash. After Lola settles for having him bleed to death,
Bo points out that Jerry’s girlfriend Denise is sure to go to the “poh-leese.” Lola then comes up with the
‘brilliant plan’ of having Bo pretend to be Konig and engage in a crime spree, including strangling Denise.
|They may be tired, but they're still the prettiest cops in town!
|Hutch explains how Abby and him have an "open" relationship...
|Cripes, do Starsk and I have "gay cop" written on our foreheads?
There's No Accounting
From Huggy Bear, the boys learn
that Monty was a circus geek with a fondness for chicken heads who is now a seedy hotel entrepreneur with a peanut fetish.
However, Monty’s still loyal to his big house husband, and Starsky and Hutch nearly get killed by Bo, who’s been
busily planting evidence in Konig’s room. As Hutch hasn’t taken his vitamins yet, Bo outruns them yet again. An
unrepentant Monty treats Hutch to “a discourse in jungle law,” which the boys return in spades, complete with
Hutch (AKA Ollie) making the slitting throat gesture.
The Dynamic Duo then head over
to Herman’s Haberdashery and Lost and Found, or so the proprietor claims when Starsky discovers stolen electronics along
with a nice double-breasted gray flannel suit. In exchange for leniency, Herman sends the boys in the right direction, Lola
and Bo’s Bail Bonds & Shooting Gallery. When the baddies deny everything, Hutch’s baby blues start flashing,
and Bo gets first-hand experience of Minnesota’s
Wrestle-mania champ. Good thing Starsky knows how to defuse his partner by reassuring him his eyes are “be-you-tiful”
when he’s angry, smacking him on the head, and running for the Torino.
Foolishly, Lola and Bo stay the
course, robbing and torching an electronics warehouse. They then get Monty the Geek to send Starsky and Hutch to meet ‘Konig’
at one of Bay City’s Construction and Ambush Yards, so a concealed Bo can
take pot shots at their lovely arses. Hutch’s all fruit diet must be playing havoc with both of their reflexes because
despite cool flat-bed truck action, the bad guy gets away again. When they return to bitch slap Monty, they’re too late
to give him anything other than Starsky’s moving eulogy “no more peanuts for him.” But Monty’s isn’t
the only surprise dead body, because Jerry Konig’s two day old naked corpse just turned up in the abandoned Ice Mission
(bringing cool drinks and Christianity to the underprivileged until 1970).
of rising body counts, we never do find out the ultimate fate of Officer Jim Nedloe.
Starsky says he’s dead, but then Hutch says he’s just in intensive care.
So, we must presume that one of them is either deeply confused or sadly in denial.
|It's a wonder this helpless white woman got out of this episode alive.
|Hands up everyone who wants to bathe Starsky!
|Starsky proves a gesture is worth a thousand (censored) words.
|Please don't befriend my husband. You'll only get him killed!
|Didn't Konig watch Savage Sunday? Never trust old folks in Bay City!
There Ought'a be a Law!
Unluckily for Lola and Bo, Bay City’s
finest are on the night shift, raising the intriguing question of what they did to tick off Dobey. Sadly, Starsky’s bid for “a law that people can only commit crimes during the daylight hours”
has been held up in Congress. Our boys are called to the scene of the first Konig-style arson / burglary where they discover
Officer Jim Nedloe’s been shot. Because apparently, the law that any friend
of our boys has the half-life of a Star Trek Red Shirt was passed. In the hospital,
Dobey rants about cops getting shot “by some turkey with fifteen priors that the courts cut loose on the street.”
Hutch agrees and observes that instead of another day, another dollar, it’s become another day, another dead cop. This
exchange shows that, as early as season one, our boys are questioning their choice in careers, and also that, at 365 dead
cops a year, Bay City truly is an urban jungle.
While Officer Jim tries to beat
the odds, Starsky and Hutch try to track down their main suspect Konig at his girlfriend’s place of employ, The Jungle Club. Ah, the tough, gritty life of a 70s cop -- forced to endure the tacky tiki torch atmosphere and
stare at scantily-clad ladies dancing in cages. Hutch, in particular, finds it impossible to tear his eyes away from the horrible
spectacle of a leopard-skinned go-go dancer, but Starsky blows in his ear, reminding Hutch of their forthcoming threesome
with Abby in Zebra print underwear.
uses a masterful imitation of Jerry’s stammer to lure Konig’s girlfriend back to her tacky macramé decorated apartment.
Okay, Denise is a dip, but she’s a lucky dip because Hutch leaps upon Bo in the nick of time and Starsky stuffs him
in a closet. Bo indiscreetly refuses to stay in the closet, warning that, “one of these days, hotshot, we’re going
to go bump in the dark.” Considering how repulsive Bo is, we sincerely
hope Starsky thinks this is an invitation to fisticuffs when he replies, “whenever you like.” Building the subtext
further, Hutch bad cops Denise with the bad news her boyfriend hasn’t gone straight, while Starsky good cops her into
giving up Konig’s jail house bitch Monty.
|It's Karma. All those years of beheading chickens catch up with Monty.
|Hey, Starsky's right! Hutch's eyes ARE beautiful when he's angry.
|Starsky & Hutch scholars still debate the symbolism of Hutch's fruit.
You Promised Me Steak
Nonetheless, it doesn’t
take Starsky and Hutch long to figure out who had the most to gain by having Konig presumed alive and kicking. Sadly, Lola
and Bo are already into their end game, sending Denise the Dip to Durson’s Paint Factory & Body Dump. Even more
nefarious, they convince sweet, mentally-challenged Eddie Hoyle, friend of Starpy and Hup, to don Konig’s old clothes
in order to play “burnt to a crisp” with Denise. Fortunately, Starsky and Hutch corner Lola who is only too happy
to sell Bo down the river, and they abandon her to arrange her own bail bond while they ride off to the rescue. Just in time,
the boys arrive at the warehouse, and Starsky takes Bo for a trip down the stairs, right into a shelving unit of uncovered
paint cans. Hutch then literally leaps into the fray, flashing both his tummy and abs at the fangirls, and subdues the bad
guy. Happily, Starpy and Hup have saved both the grateful Eddie and the helpless white woman, but if that’s oil-based
paint, Starsky’s clothes are goners.
It’s a shame about that
missing scene where Hutch has to bathe him… Rebel thought it should be
tender loving bathing, but EH wants him to get all manly-rough with the loofah sponge.
Rebel doesn’t want to think where that might go – the sponge
or the scene.
The episode ends with Friday
night dinner at Hutch’s place, a disappointing repast for Starsky who was promised steak and potatoes instead of the
pineapple yogurt, trail mix, and tomato salad he’s been served. When Starsky makes it clear that his stomach is more
important than his partner’s girl’s feelings, Hutch tries to save the evening by explaining that eating this kind
of food maintains his and Abby’s “normal physical potential” during their two day fast. Abby interrupts
Starsky’s rude comment and ruder gesture by bringing on dessert, a health drink loaded with sea kelp, desiccated liver,
and a triple dose of Vitamin E. When Abby asks why Starsky is not drinking this goat’s milk ambrosia, Hutch reminds
his friend of the benefits experienced the last time he was conned into drinking it. This is either a reference to Pariah or Flamingo’s Goat’s Milk Delux. Starsky looks scandalized
at the idea of realizing his full physical potential before going to work, so Hutch asks for his dessert. Starsky agrees,
but only on the condition that his partner stays “where I can keep an eye on you.” With a lovely double take from
Hutch, season one fades to black, but our imaginations stay brightly lit.