They could have made us Weimaraner Four
begins with Hutch having a meltdown because the computer at Bay City’s Triple A says he doesn’t exist. As his car spews
steam in the alleyway, he rants at Starsky that: “Here we go, another day, another dollar. 10-4, 5-6, Tac 2, Zebra 3.
They’re trying to make us into digits, and I’m tired of it!” Yep, Blondie’s feeling a trifle paranoid,
and will spend the rest of the episode obsessing about his latest conspiracy theory around numbers. Poor baby’s feeling
dehumanized, but not nearly as much as the dead body (a 187, by the way) in the bushes of Lincoln Gardens.
the body is having a bondage moment (wrapped in radio antennas), Starsky and Hutch are having a bonding moment over the revelation
that the corpse is Starsky’s ex-girlfriend, Helen Davisson. Unfortunately, there’s no thigh clutching, but we
do get thigh patting in the hallway of the morgue as Hutch tortures his partner with the gruesome details of Helen’s
murder as Starsky manfully tries not to wibble.
fandom’s convention that Hutch is the one with the bad rep with women, Dobey immediately demands to know what Starsky did
to this “fine police officer” that turned her into an insubordinate, drunken slacker who quit the force to become
a go-go dancer (we’re paraphrasing, but his point is clear). This could be a whole new reason for the boys not to tell
Dobey if they ever do get it on, because it’s clear who’s going to get the blame when Hutch becomes a smart-mouthed,
|But, she promised she'd never show anyone that picture!
|Paul Muni with mystery woman. Could it be Mrs. Starsky?
|So, you say the neighbors are a bit frisky, but the rent's good?
Baby blue, this car could be for you
a tip from the Hug-ster, Starsky and Hutch proceed to terrorize the aftershave drenched, used car salesman Wally. Actually,
Hutch terrorizes Wally by showing off his demolition derby hobby which explains a lot about the state of his cars. This leads
them to gentleman thief “Fifth Avenue” who obviously has no issue with becoming a number, and
damned little useful info either. But that’s okay, Cindy just overheard the bad guys making plans to purchase the special
extra-wide duct tape for their next home invasion, and calls Starsky and Hutch. Unfortunately, she does so from the pay phone
just outside the bad guy’s lair! Needless to say, the next time we see Cindy-Loo-Who-ey, she has been brutalized by
grinchy bad guy Two-ie, and now she’s a drugged out loonie (note to selves: do not enter any S & H poetry contests).
Fortunately, Fifth Avenue comes through with the date of the next break-in, and Hutch proves he’s not just a pretty face by concluding
they should stake out only the most heavily insured homes. In Bay
City, you’d think that would be a whole bunch, but it's only
three, and coincidentally, our boys happen to be outside the mansion the baddies hit. After yet another humiliating performance
by a female police officer (aka helpless white woman #79), Starsky goes all sexy and feral on Solenko who he blames for murdering
Helen after her cover was blown. Unfortunately, Solenko reveals not only his loose bladder, but that he didn’t even
know Helen was a cop. Yes, the gang of jewel thieves was all a red herring!
|Don't make me angry. Only the fangirls like me when I'm angry.
|All fashion-conscious nutbars opt for headbands over tinfoil hats.
72% is sane
suspicions are more than confirmed when the boys break into Commander Jim’s apartment. The Commander’s interior
decorating reveals the true cause of Bay City’s 1975 tinfoil shortage. Now we get to the portion of this
week’s episode where a social message is hammered into our skulls. Apparently, shrinks can’t even be trusted to
fix sewing machines, let alone damaged psyches, because scoring 76% on the Wisconsin Multi-Facet Index test means that your
homicidal obsession with go-go dancers from Bay City and radio frequencies from Alpha Centauri is probably harmless. Then again, considering Commander Jim and Hutch
both spend this episode being paranoid about unlikely conspiracies while dressed in plaid shirts, maybe Starsky was too hard
on the poor doctor.
Hutch’s soul brother has kidnapped yet another bimbo … sorry, hard-working single mom wearing next to nothing,
and is about to sacrifice her to his favorite radio tower (hey, we all have one). Starsky, looking very sincere if a bit nervous
of the heights involved, attempts to talk him down, and well … the down part happens. But before you judge Starsky,
if Dr. Feel-Good Hutch had tried, Commander Jim would surely have pumped them full of lead before taking his swan dive.
we cut to the sentimental tag, in which Hutch once again demonstrates his stunning grasp of psychology by paralleling the
ephemeral nature of sunsets to the truncated life-spans of any woman dumb enough to date either of them. First, if that’s
a sunset in Bay City, the pollution is even scarier than any of us ever suspected.
Second, . . . oh just shut up, Hutch, and feed the poor boy. Starsky clearly does appreciate the “Paul Muni” Roast
Beef special, but looks a bit disconcerted by the candles and the revelation that Hutch has been talking to his Mom. It’s
not one of Hutch’s most macho moments, but it definitely feeds both Starsky and the slashers.
|Yes, dear. The numbers are out to get you.
|C'mon, Starsk. Steal my coffee. You know you want to.
Too bad Pauly went crackers
of our virtual season five, and back to season one where we join the boys outside the “Mellow Yellow” which like
“Huggy Bear’s” is open 24 hours, seven days a week, except when the plot requires it to be closed. After
Starsky uses skills gained as a doorman (EH speculates it was while working for Joey Durniak), the dynamic duo step over the
bouncer’s unconscious body to question the barely conscious body of Cindy, Helen’s roommate and fellow dancing
queen. That would be the ABBA version, not the Hutch kind exposed in our virtual season 5, episode 4 “His Pasties are
Loaded.” Cindy shows the viewers and a distraught Starsky a photo of Helen, portrayed by actress Ann Foster. The same
Ms. Foster who returned later in the season to portray Abigail Crabtree, Starsky’s almost-girlfriend who dates Hutch
instead, until he nearly gets her killed. If you haven’t had second thoughts about dating these guys yet, now’s
a good time to start.
Hutch finishes questioning the bimbo, Starsky disappears to the Torino to have a private bawl-fest. We’re just saying, his eyes
are awfully red when Hutch joins him. He comforts his wibbly partner, telling him that he’s not the kind of guy a woman
would kill herself over. Hutch says, Starsky, you’re no Rudolf Valentino. We say, Hutch, you’re no Dr. Phil. Starsky
reveals that his mother always considered him “the Paul Muni type” which as far as we can tell from IMDB means she thinks her son resembles a smoldering Jewish heart-throb of 1930s Hollywood. Okay, we’re now thinking Hutch
isn’t the only one with family issues. Either that, or Starsky’s actually Paul Muni’s love-child which was
the real reason why his “dad” was gunned down (more to be revealed in our virtual season 5, episode 6 “Mrs.
We now return to the major theme of sensitive portrayals of the heartbreak of mental illness,
as Starsky and Hutch visit their old snitch Pauly in the San Leone Insane Asylum. Cackling madly, Pauly reveals a likely suspect
for Helen’s murder: James “Commander Jim” March Wrightwood. However, just because Commander Jim wields an
acetylene torch while wearing tin foil and muttering about radio waves, doesn’t mean he’s the killer. After all,
Dobey just discovered that Starsky hadn’t driven Helen to career suicide, she was actually undercover trying to stop
ring of home invaders. Their leader Solenko just happens to own the Mellow Yellow go-go club which they use as their hide
out, because this is the era of “jiggle TV.”
|Yes, Hutch has taken his medication. Why do you ask?
|Officer Angie wonders why she's always stuck playing the unarmed maid.
What we’re looking for is a psycho killing cocktail waitresses!
fear, just because the owner of the Mellow Yellow has been banged up for robbery, doesn’t mean there won’t be
anymore scantily-clad females in this episode. Trust in Aaron Spelling, my dears, for the plot twist is that all half-naked
cocktail waitresses are in danger, not just half-naked undercover cops posing as half-naked cocktail … okay, we’re
getting off the point here.
Bay City’s answer to Doctor Phil, Ken Hutchinson spots Starsky about to start wibbling
in Helen’s car, and helpfully advises, “C’mon partner, it’s time to let go.” Well sure, it’s
been at least a couple of days since the mutilated body of the woman Starsky once contemplated marrying and having kids with
was found in the bushes! Clearly, he’s wallowing, and thank God, Hutch is there to put the whole thing in perspective.
Mercifully, what he lacks in psychological acumen, Hutch makes up for in detecting skills, because he notices that all of
Helen’s radio stations are set to the same frequency. Either that, or he can’t operate a car radio, but we prefer
to give him the benefit of the doubt.
This clue and yet another dead go-go girl lead Hutch to conclude that Commander Jim must be the killer. Yes, Hutch
really is doing most of the police work in this episode, but that’s understandable because it’s only been DAYS
since the mutilated body of the woman Starsky . . . oh, you get the idea. Besides,
Starsky’s cute when he’s all intense and wibbly, so we’ll let it go this time.
|Hey, kids! It's the Starsky and Hutch TV dinner!
|You wouldn't shoot someone THIS pretty, would you?
|Bay City is renowned for its spectacular sunsets.