Bay City’s Fall Kinky Collection
The episode opens with a “these two are so damn married” moment as it
is revealed that Hutch buys undercover clothes for Starsky. Here we learn that Molo’s heretical belief that Hutch has
bad taste in shoe wear is in fact canon, because check out the burgundy and black patent leather numbers with three inch heels
he got for his partner. Starsky
is in obvious pain, and so are we.
also discover that Starsky stuffs his trousers, but hey girls and boys, it’s with envelopes filled with cash not tube
socks, so we’re still turned on.
whines that, “It’s these kinky clothes that make me nervous.” Before you get excited by visions of them
in black leather and studs, Hutch argues that he only bought the very best in
polyester pimp wear. This despite the fact they’re supposed to be drug dealers, but details, details.
is resplendent in a blindingly white two-piece wing-collared suit, a black shirt with embroidered rainbow rosettes on the
collar, a matching black handkerchief in his breast pocket, and capped off with gold medallion accessories. We were on the
edge of our seats during this episode, fearful that they’d get tangled in his chest hair.
ensemble created a bit of controversy as Rebel says his suit is burgundy, while EH says its dried blood, but we both agree
on the essentials -- it’s hideous. However, the pink ruffled shirt brings out the blush in his Midwestern Mom-and-apple-pie
cheeks, the matching silk scarf around his neck could be fetching(especially with its funky 70s pink and dried blood geometric
designs), and finally there’s the hat.
He’s playing one of the black hats today (mmmm Dark Hutch), and you can tell how much
he loves his horse by the silver bridle and bit hatband. The furry kind of horse, not the injectable variety, although whether
you believe that’s four-legged or two-legged is up to you. Lest you think we’re focusing on incidentals here,
Hutch demonstrates a few scenes later the important undercover cop skill of hiding from the bad guys by slouching behind a
cowboy hat. Hey, in Bay City it works.
the boys get arrested, so the handcuffs could be considered an especially kinky fashion accessory. Shame that during the 1970s
kinky primarily meant eccentric not the bondage fun of Dawnwind’s S & H universe (which EH feels is a real shame),
but we digress. The pre-booking scene does provide the lovely eye candy moment of Starsky flaunting his crotch for all to
admire. Hutch is especially giddy in this scene, but remember children, correlation does not prove causation.
|Lost Partridge Family member found!
|Do you want some Hawaiian Punch, Billy?
I’m a Rhinestone Cowboy!
it’s the next day, and we discover the important canon point that Hutch has a thing for rhinestones. Apparently, he
believes that black is only slimming when you outline all the seams with shiny “Glen Campbell has nothin’ on me”
Rhinestone Cowboy pre-zirconium. For contrast, he wears an all American red-white-and-blue rayon t-shirt and kerchief, a look
which comes in particularly handy when trying to convince the Federales that he’s just a good ol’ sincere American
boy who should be trusted with enough of the taxpayers’ money to impress Danner’s boys. Now, we know better than
to trust that “ah shucks, sure Starsk and I’ll let you in on our little ol’ drug bust” line, but apparently
a Federal employee who doesn’t know better than to wear a plaid shirt with a dark charcoal suit is completely bamboozled
by Hutch’s All American charms.
York fashion plate, on the other hand, has gone for an understated powder blue polyester "zoot" suit, but reveals his
sensual nature with an unbuttoned dark red shirt that looks slippery to the touch and that would slide right off . . . oh
damn, in the interests of EH’s feverish condition, we’ll return to Starsky in a bit.
now reveals why, much to Huggy Bear’s chagrin, he was the winner of Bay City’s “Best Dressed Brother” of 1975. Connie manages
to pull off the Vegas Elvis look with panache, in his white high collar jumpsuit with gold trim. This outfit looks especially
fetching when he threatens our undercover dudes with a straight razor. Unfortunately for Connie and his drycleaner, Starsky
is armed with a gun, and later a grocery cart. Strangely, Hutch is curiously
under-armed throughout this episode. The one time he pulls his gun, it’s
clear he left his Magnum in the dryer too long because the barrel is no longer six inches.
at a loss to explain Huggy Bear’s stunning defeat in the “Best Dressed Brother” category in this episode,
for during his one cameo, he’s sporting an extremely tame denim trouser and shirt number with matching cap. Maybe, by
focusing all of his energies on the restaurant business, promising Captain Dobey “everything from chitlins to Chinese,”
he neglected to do his laundry.
of fashion disappointments, Pretty Billy’s black leather jacket would have radiated a lot more menace had it not been
coupled with brown polyester trousers and a blue, white and brown man-blouse. Nonetheless, he proves that accessories make
the villain because he kept the key to Cheryl’s apartment, and in her helpless-white-woman outfit, she gets the crap
beat out of her.
for Pretty Billy, he doesn’t wear his tough guy leather jacket to bed, so when Starsky gets into bed with him in the
middle of the night, he’s all naked and vulnerable. And no, this is not one of EH’s sinus medication induced hallucinations,
Starsky once again proves that “personal boundaries are just something other people have” by climbing into the
bed with the bad guy. Meanwhile, Hutch sits on the opposite side of the room and glowers. It’s up to you if you want
to believe that Hutch bitch slaps Billy for roughing up Cheryl or getting fresh with his Brooklyn boy toy.
|Bay City Supermodels!
|I feel pretty, oh so pretty . . .
|It's Action Figure Hutch! With Kung-Fu Punch!
Good Questions to Ask Yourself
Why does Starsky go armed in this episode, but
for the most part, Hutch doesn’t? So much for a guy who wouldn’t visit his Mom without his gun. Question is, did
he leave his Magnum at home because it clashed with his rhinestones?
how much partnership is going on here with Hutch not telling Starsky about his cunning plan to cut the Feds out of the drug
deal? And does Starsky retaliate by destroying all of Hutch’s ruffled shirts or by selling them to this Jewish comedian
he knows in New York? Or does Hutch’s cute “Aw Fudge” let him get away with (literally
in Pretty Billy’s case) murder?
and most importantly, after CC reads this, will she ever allow us to review an episode again, besides the one we’ve
already signed up for (because surely she wouldn’t take that away from us)?
|Pimping a ride meant something different in 1975.
|Honest Hutch, I'm just happy to see ya!
|Bay City's finest undercover cops?
|Guilty until proven innocent.
Take it or Shake it, my Caucasian Cousins
Connie was not the most important bad guy in this episode, he was by far the most fashionable. Apparently, Bay City’s well-dressed, mid-level drug dealers and pimps opt for Emerald Green velvet high-waisted pants with matching
vest, and wear-your-sunglasses shiny rayon shirt -- coyly unbuttoned to just above his belly button. His neatly trimmed afro
underscores the banality of Connie’s evil which is all about ripping off Whitey and hocking jail bait prostitutes.
see Cheryl here, one of the many baits of this episode (beyond the boys, that is). She
spends the episode draped in highly fashionable but not terribly practical or defensive outfits. Rebelcat kept pausing and admiring her tie-dyed moon t-shirt, with that fringed Made-in-India shawl tied
around her waist. Rebel covets that outfit!
And hey, Starsky and Hutch will protect her. . . eventually.
baddy is Danner, Drug Lord and Hawaiian Missionary fetishist. Unfortunately, the latter is a stamp not an exotic Kama Sutra
position, although considering he doesn’t look anywhere as nice in turtlenecks and suede jackets as Hutch does, it’s
probably for the best.
lackey and prostitute-beater-upper is Pretty Billy Harkness, who despite his nickname, isn’t anywhere near as pretty
as Connie. Whether it’s his immorality or his fondness for indigo swirl polyester shirts that prove his ultimate downfall
is a debatable point.
|Don't kick Hutch's ass when he's wearing rhinestones!
|Elvis is goin' cut on you, fool!
|Hutch's Magnum has a Mini-Me.
|Do you like what you see, Billy?
Not only do we learn that Fifth and Hillview has a taco stand, while Fifth and Mountainview has a warehouse perfect for drug
deals gone bad, more importantly it is revealed that Saturday Night Fever’s Travolta stole his look from Starsky. The
true king of disco is sporting a signature white polyester suit with contrasting dark navy shirt.
Hutch, who was clearly too busy not telling his partner about the plan to mislead the feds, doesn’t even try to compete
with Starsky’s outfit and complements his dried blood burgundy suit with a yellow ruffled shirt. We’re beginning
to suspect that he has a whole closet full of ruffled shirts, but we refuse to speculate publicly that this reflects poorly
on his overall manliness. Besides he uses Pretty Billy, who is wearing a non-bulletproof indigo swirl polyester shirt, as
a human shield and that proves his machismo. . . er, never mind.
Now, the poolside finale, where the baddies go all
out in a fashion extravaganza. Danner is looking fetching in his brocade oriental robe, while Connie brings a fresh Spring
breeze into chilly November with a lovely powder blue and floral number. Meanwhile, Hutch is wearing his fanciest ten-gallon
hat with the bridle bits (whoa there, cowboy), and in contrast to the bad guys, Starsky isn’t wearing anything spectacular,
but he’s standing as if he is.
Hutch doesn’t hide behind his hat quickly enough when a bad guy who can
ID him shows up, so hi-jinks ensue. Starsky, clearly not obeying the instructions on anyone’s clothing labels, starts
throwing bad guys into the pool. Meanwhile, full of spring fever, Hutch grapples with Connie on the lawn. All ends well, with
the bad guys in the kinky police cuff accessories, and Starsky and Hutch not having their clothing allowance revoked.
|But Cap, we can't look this good on a cop's salary!