The Starsky & Hutch Hen Party
AKA Rebelcat and Elizabeth Helena

Bay City's After School Special
AKA "The Fix"

Original Air Date: Wednesday, Oct. 8, 1975


According to the DVD Episode Guide: While dating an ex-girlfriend of a vicious mafia boss, Hutch is abducted by the jealous mobster, who gets him hooked on heroin to lead him to his former flame. Starsky must track down his partner and captors before Hutch winds up stone-cold dead.

Now maybe it's the 999 screen caps we took before we even got to the cold turkey scene up above Huggy's bar, but something about this episode reminds us of those cheesy, yet oh-so-satisfying After School Specials. You know the ones where the good kid makes all the wrong choices, and must SUFFER for our edutainment.


Love, it’ll put him in the poorhouse.

Another day, another... dime, which Starsky has just scammed off Hutch. Starsky’s attempting to convince his partner to try an infamous white powder that provides “instant energy”. That’s right, boys and girls, Starsky is trying to get Hutch hooked on processed sugar! Just say no, Hutch!

Hutch does resist the siren song of candy bars, but only because he’s preoccupied with the dirty weekend he’s got planned with his new girlfriend. He should know better. Sex is not a safe substitute for sugar. Starsky appears tolerantly amused by the whole situation, finishing off Hutch’s unusually sloppy report for him and explaining to Captain Dobey, “It’s love, Captain. Pinches the capillaries. Memory goes first.”

It’s just like all those after school TV specials warned us, pre-martial sex not only ruins your reputation and leads to unplanned pregnancies, it also causes brain damage.

But Hutch hasn’t forgotten the promise he made Jeanie, his new blonde twinkie, to not tell anyone about their beach house hideaway, not even Starsky. Uh oh, lying to your best friend in order to hang out with your “cool” new friend is always a danger sign. Disappointing the slashers is also never a good idea either. Hutch must pay.

"In The Da Vinci Code, this symbolizes the universal feminine..."

Hutch resigns himself to joining the Hair Club for Men.

Monk, how come you’re always wrong?

The sad thing is, Monk’s usually right. It’s just that his old pal Ben Forest is a bully who never listens to him. Monk tells Forest that he’s rich and evil enough to get any girl he wants. But for some reason, Forest has to have that whiney, useless bit—er, girlfriend of Hutch’s. Maybe she’s the only one who will indulge Forest’s kinky Double Indemnity role playing games.

The Neanderthal who had been pounding on Hutch enters the room, knuckles unwrapped, and informs them that Hutch is “out cold.” “Tough monkey,” he adds, admiringly. Monk looks as alarmed as we feel. Whatever they did to Hutch in absolute silence behind that door, it knocked him unconscious!

Clever Monk thinks they should just forget the whole thing, but Forest orders him to get Hutch hooked on heroin so Blondie will confess once he’s strung out. Geez, with that kind of logic, it’s clear that Forest earned his varsity letter in sadism and not football.

We return to Parker Center High, where Principal, whoops we mean Captain, Dobey is yelling at Starsky about the truant Hutch. It’s now Monday afternoon, which means poor Hutch has been riding the china white horse all weekend. Thinking that his pal is indulging in a different kind of riding lesson, Starsky tries to cover for Hutch, explaining “you know how it is, he’s in love.” Dobey cuts right to the chase: “What you mean is, he’s shacked up.” Happily, er, we mean tragically, Dobey is also oh-so-very wrong.

Starsky bravely drinks his pain away, but beer can't replace Hutch.

Is it time to play 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' already?

Just gimme my medicine. I promise I'll be your tough monkey!

What’sa matter Monk? It ain’t like we never iced nobody before.

Meanwhile, Jeanie is still waiting for Hutch. At least she’s changed her clothes, but her trashy transparent nightie and flowered cotton undies, fails as camouflage wear when Forest arrives. Jeanie doesn’t want to believe Hutch sold her out for a fix, but Forest takes her back to Monk’s house. She cries over the drug-addled Hutch, who is in his happy - if not terribly clean - place. Monk’s guestroom will never be the same.

Jeanie makes Forest promise her they won’t hurt Hutch any more, but she’s the only one gullible enough to believe him. Monk isn’t happy about having to deep six a cop, and neither is Hutch once his scrambled brain puts together the words harbor, shark and bait. Fortunately, the hero of an after school special has to live long enough to learn a valuable lesson, so Hutch escapes by booting the goon beside him in the head, falling out the car door, and running for his life.

Bernie-the-Super-Cop immediately realizes that the junkie staggering down the street, knocking over pedestrians, is the missing Detective Hutchinson. We suspect Hutch must've looked really bad at the end of last year’s Christmas party. Bernie calls it in, and Starsky appears. Screw starships, all you need is love and a Torino to break the laws of physics.

Is Hutch copping a feel, or puking in Starsky's back pocket?

"But Starsk, I don't want a threesome with Huggy! Not again!"

Hold on! I can't leave without my lucky tablecloth!

I’ll be back. You can’t get rid of me.

We know the heartwarming ending must be close when everyone converges in the alley behind the coffee house for a rumble. It's looking bad for Hutch. The Neanderthal is trying to give him a one way ticket to dreamland, and not the one beside Disneyland. With an adorable wiggle against the concrete wall, Hutch headbutts his way to sobriety, and climbs the nearest fence (presumably looking for the closest Narcotics Anonymous meeting).

Starsky to the rescue! After clipping the Neanderthal with his Torino, Starsky shows off his sugar-enhanced superpowers by firing a round from under his car door, up over the hood and into Monk’s chest. It’s a shame because he was a great villain, but we immediately forget him when Starsky helps Hutch down off the fence and they hug. Again! We sigh happily and dissolve into puddles of goo.

Now, our heroes are off to arrest Forest at his mansion, where Hutch finds Jeanie who promptly dumps him. After all, she has to return to her job as the “World’s Deadliest Olympic Swimmer” on The Doll Squad. Like a scary blonde terminatrix she promises to come back, but he’s learned an important, life-altering lesson. Just say no to dating gangster’s ex-girlfriends. That’s just fine with us, because he’s still got Starsky, who offers him the one thing he knows always makes everything better. “Wanna drive my car?”

This Very Special Episode of S&H is brought to you by Hershey's.

Phone sex while on the clock is especially thrilling for Hutch.

Don’t be stupid, Hutchinson. She’s only a broad!

Karma comes down on Hutch’s head in the form of a cosh, wielded from behind in his living room by a goon. Hutch had just started to undress for his shower. We would have waited until he was actually in the shower before we attacked him.

As we gaze at Hutch, all vulnerable and unconscious, we note that his bed is positioned so it’s the first thing anyone sees walking in the door. TV taught us that a wholesome girl next door wouldn’t appreciate this sight on a first date (“Hey baby, here’s my bed. Wanna boogie?”), but it evidently didn’t put Jeanie off. Oh Hutch, why didn’t you realize that she obviously ran with a bad crowd?

Now we come to our favorite part. Hutch is absolutely lovely in a stunning chair and rope ensemble, with his wet shirt open several buttons and clinging nicely to his heaving bosom... er, we meant chest. His very manly chest. The thug beating him up is clearly an artiste. He’s even wrapped his knuckles, so he won’t graze them on Hutch’s face.

Hutch is tough. No matter how much they beat him up, Hutch won’t tell Monk, the vice-president of the local film noir club, where Jeanie is hiding. Monk finally says, “Do it to him,” and walks out of the room, leaving us shrieking, “Do what? Do what?” Whatever “it” is, it’s done very quietly. Despite Monk’s twitchy glances over his shoulder, there’s no sound coming from the room where they have Hutch tied up.

What? My mother bought them for me!

Forest hasn't taken off this suit since Edward G. died in 1973.

When you see Hutch, tell him he owes me one good waitress.

After checking out Jeanie “how does a phone work again” Walton’s empty apartment, Starsky turns to Huggy Bear. Huggy doesn’t know where Hutch is, but Blondie isn’t in his good books. Two months back, he showed up with Jeanie in tow and conned Huggy into “putting her on”. Then one night she and Hutch took out the back way right in the middle of “heavy trade”.

Combined with the fully furnished guest bedroom upstairs, we’re beginning to suspect that Huggy’s hospitality business isn’t entirely legal. Hutch clearly had no clue as to the true nature of a Huggy Special, but Starsky’s been smirking knowingly throughout the Bear’s tirade. Huggy says that Hutch now owes him “one good waitress,” which apparently is the going rate in Bay City for one unreliable prostitute.

Starsky now heads over to Hutch’s cottage. Hutch’s gun, hanging where he left it on the back of his closet door, is the only evidence needed to convince Starsky that there’s been foul play.

Back at the precinct, Starsky tells Dobey, “Hutch wouldn’t visit his mother without his gun!” Dobey is convinced Starsky’s exaggerating (as are we), and asks if Starsky takes his gun on dates. Curly’s evasiveness convinces us that he impresses the ladies with both his pistol and his gun.

Dobey reluctantly agrees to put out an APB on one Kenneth Hutchinson, missing detective and even more importantly to Starsky and us, missing partner. It’s none too soon for Hutch. He’s sweaty, filthy, and covered in orange stains which might be blood, but which look more like Kool Aid. He’s on the floor, begging Forest and Monk for “help”.

We know we shouldn’t be watching Hutch's suffering as avidly as we are. It’s wrong, but we can’t get enough of it. Crawl, babe, crawl! Tell them where to find Jeanie the bimbo! Ah, the irresistible appeal of torture porn. Those After School Specials have so much to answer for.

Hey, wait a minute. You're not Starsky...

Now we know where Michael Jackson got his inspiration for Thriller!

Nothing but sweat and pain for the next forty-eight hours.

If we call it suffering erotica instead of torture porn, does that make our enjoyment of it more respectable? Because we do so love the sight of Hutch folded up in Starsky’s lap in the alley, clutching his partner’s arse for dear life.

And it just gets better from here, because Starsky absconds with Hutch and hides him up in the room above Huggy’s bar. We’ve got Starsky and Hutch in bed together, hanging onto each other. Starsky soothingly massages Hutch's neck, and manfully blinks back his tears. Hutch, for his part, tries not to barf.

We could spend hours in that room watching temper tantrums, escape attempts, and sweet, sweet hugs. Sadly, it’s only an hour long show and coffee and candy bars loaded with sugar cure all things, even a heroin addiction. Along with a dose of the tough love those afternoon made-for-TV movies always recommended. Starsky not only interrogates his strung out partner for the names of his abductors, and gets him to confess he gave up Jeanie for a fix, he won’t even let Hutch win at checkers.

Meanwhile, Monk sensibly suggests that Forest take his Skipper doll and go home, but Forest makes it clear that if Hutch isn't going to be playing in the sudden death round of Tough Monkey, then Monk is going to have to take his place. Suddenly motivated, Monk cleverly deduces that Starsky must have Hutch hidden away somewhere, and so he bribes the “street stoolie” Mickey, who’d sell his old lady for ten bucks, to draw Starsky out.

By the time Mickey calls, though, Starsky’s already left in pursuit of Monk. Hutch browbeats Huggy into calling him a cab so he can meet Mickey instead. Mickey, who looks like James Cagney with the DTs, pretends to know nothing while Hutch wobbles in his chair, looking as weak as a kitten. Thankfully, he’s no longer the twitchy, filthy little kitten from before, but a recently showered, endearingly wobbly kitten. In a lovely bit of serendipity, the Neanderthal alerts Monk to Hutch’s whereabouts, causing him to leave his house just as Starsky pulls up.

Hey, wait a minute! You're not Starsky, either!

"Wanna drive my car to the harbor and feed Forest to the sharks?"

Good Questions to Ask Yourself

1. Starsky told Hutch he wanted a dime for the candy machine, but we saw him kick the machine, steal a bar, and then pocket the money. He even tried to scam some change from Dobey as well! What does Starsky need all this loose change for? Is there any connection between what he spent these ill-gotten dimes and quarters on and the Band-Aid on his left index finger the following Monday?

2. Just why does Huggy have those rooms empty but furnished upstairs in his bar? Is their use connected to the mystery of why his sign claims Huggy Bear’s is open 24 hours, but in Kill Huggy Bear he states that the bar closes at 2 a.m.? Is any of this connected to the closure of Huggy Bear’s later in the season? More importantly, is anyone willing to write or illustrate Huggy Bear’s, After Hours?

3. One of the Torino’s side windows was shot out in the alley. Yet by the time Starsky and Hutch roar up to Forest’s mansion to make the arrest, the window has been repaired. What does this say about Starsky’s personal and professional priorities?

4. When are you enjoying Hutch’s pain too much during this episode? When you clean your glasses in order to see his pain better? When you clean the TV screen in order to see his pain better? When you lick the TV screen clean with your tongue in order to see his sweet, sweet pain better?

These questions are hard. So's telling time. This is the big hand...

"Why do you keep asking me QUESTIONS?"



August 16, 2007