You have the right to an attorney, is that enough?
Several months after the Pilot, Starsky and Hutch are having a pleasant Sunday drive through the mean streets of Bay City.
Except Starsky’s still pissed off that he signed up for a TV series and now has to work weekends. Even Hutch describing
the joys of “relaxing poolside with a blond/e lovely” barely gets a smile. We’re smiling though, because
it’s the first eppy of the series and the slashers are already being fed.
Meanwhile, partners in crime Gregg Morton and Wilbur Sloan are hanging out at Bay City’s Waffle Haus. We know they’re evil because Gregg’s Beach Balls Bonanza shirt makes our eyes bleed, and Wilbur is smoking indoors!
Okay, truth is, we were actually tipped off by their evil plan to steal a car from the sweet, little old lady and gentleman
entering the restaurant. But wait, sweet, little old Henny and Sarah Wilson are planning on blowing the Court Justice building
sky high at 5 p.m. with fifty sticks of dynamite stashed in their white 63 Chevy’s trunk. Wow, Starsky & Hutch
really was ahead of its time by demonstrating the necessity for warrant-less wire-tapping. Sure, we didn’t really want
to listen in on Henny’s concerns about going off prematurely, but it’s the price we pay for Security, people.
However, Gregg and Wilbur are unaware that their new set of wheels has raised Bay City’s Terrorist Alert level to Yellow.
They’re too busy arguing over Gregg’s transistor radio (the 70s iPod) and Wilbur’s racially charged junk
food choices (lemon mini-pies v. brown donuts). The only thing these two agree on is their favorite color ‘green’
which they demand at gun point from the local liquor/snack food emporium. When the owner’s son walks in, the grittiness
of this ground-breaking series is revealed as Gregg cruelly pistol whips the teenager’s blond perm.
Close by, Starsky is running down Miltie the drug dealer on foot. Just before Starsky’s ankles give out, Hutch cuts
Miltie off at the pass. But one polyester-clad scum bag isn’t enough to meet their quota, so before they’ve even
read the first perp his rights, Starsky’s burning rubber after Wilbur and Gregg. Unfortunately, the baddies radioed
ahead to ensure a generic truck would block the intersection. Oh well, at least Starsky’s hair-raising driving ensured
Miltie’s right to remain silent – and unconscious.
|Tearing up phonebooks is more effective, but not as delicious.
|Never mess with Bay City's Gray Panthers!
|"Hu-utch...? These old people are scaring me..."
|"What have I told you about eating cops alive?"
Two cops are looking for them, real hard.
Little do they know that Wilbur and Gregg are continuing their Sunday Crime Spree in their now green Chevy Death Car with
Ohio plates (ironically, the Safety Belt State). These desperados hold up the only bank in Bay City (and possibly North America)
that’s open on a Sunday. Wilbur quips that he’s late for a date with Robert Redford, which could be a Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid reference, although he looks more like a gone to seed Burt Reynolds than a home on the range Paul Newman. Fortunately,
Gregg shoots the bank manager before we can make any Brokeback Bank jokes.
We now learn that it’s not just Starsky’s driving that’s dangerous. With a pained expression, Hutch orders
him a chili dog with mustard, onion, relish and sauerkraut. He’s either worried about his partner’s health or
a gastronomical time-bomb going off in the confines of the Torino. Hutch ditches Starsky’s dog, and only escapes his
partner’s wrath because Huggy’s come up with the goods. Two ‘teenagers’ shooting hoops know all about
the salt and pepper combo from Denver (Colorado’s Gotham City). As low blood sugar Starsky is a ruthless fouler, our
thirty-something cops easily hustle the info out of these two thirty-something ‘high school students’.
Now armed with the names of the perps, Starsky and Hutch use their adrenaline high to beat the shirts off two large goons,
and roust Monty the Bookie’s operation. Monty confesses that Wilbur and Gregg came by earlier to pay off their debts,
because they’re “a class act” who never welsh on a bet. Why, they’re just Old West outlaws, misunderstood
by The Man, just like Henny and Sarah! In fact, Monty joins Bay City’s anarchist revolution by telling Ted to warn Gregg
and Wilbur that Starsky and Hutch are about to question Wilbur’s ex-wife Sally Ann. Suzanne Somers plays Sally, a go-go
dancer who over-shares as enthusiastically as she shimmies on stage. We learn way too much about Wilbur’s obsession
with sports, Gregg’s obsession with music, and her lack of a satisfying sex life. Even Hutch recognizes that she’s
too psycho to date.
The one thing they don’t learn is that Wilbur and Gregg have given the Torino a rim job and are waiting outside to blow
Starsky and Hutch, er... away. Luckily, some police-friendly cardboard boxes come to our heroes rescue, but the baddies make
their escape as two of Starsky’s nylon-lined, steel-belted, double-layered $60 tires drive away without him. Bay City’s
Terrorist Alert level is now officially Candy-Apple Red.
|Hutch taps into his Sentinel abilities to track the Death Car.
|Proof positive there's only thirty si-- What do you mean 'get a life?'
|Starsky wishes he hadn't read Stephen King's "Maximum Overdrive".
|Starsky believed Huggy when he said bowties were the cat's meow.
|They'll soon learn to take this TV show seriously!
|Been in trouble with the law since the day they were born...
|Miranda? Never heard of the bitch!
You can’t go around raising money for repairs that way, it’s against the law.
While the despicable duo are bribing Wilbur’s cousin Ted to repaint their new Sin Wagon, our dynamic duo are questioning
witnesses at the Moonshine Grocery shop. We watch aghast as Starsky intimidates a witless witness by breaking a Wagon Wheel
into pieces and then eats the evidence. Meanwhile, a suspiciously helpful witness provides Hutch with the license plate number
of the getaway car, along with his cover story of shopping for his 15th wedding anniversary repeated word for word ad nauseam.
We suspect he’s undercover ATF, or married to a covert CIA operative.
This government leak sends our heroes to the Eastside Home for the Aged Mafia, Terrorists, and Criminally Insane. Bravely,
they confront Sarah and Henny, asking why they didn’t report their stolen car. Sarah tells Henny to ‘fess up because
they don’t want anyone to get hurt. We suspect she really believes civilians are legitimate targets, but she knows Henny’s
heart condition won’t survive the drive downtown.
Poor Starsky appears especially hard hit by the revelation that the Wilsons opted for the extreme air-conditioning option
of fifty sticks of dynamite. Hutch immediately informs Homeland Security, while Starsky asks how they could be so cruel to
a car, even if it’s a Chevy. Hutch returns and insists that Sarah and Henny be cuffed as per regulations, but both of
our boys have been brainwashed to respect their elders and can’t follow through. Now that they’ve claimed responsibility
for their terrorist action, Sarah insists they will not try to escape, although Henny looks nervous at the prospect of martyrdom
for a leaky roof.
Back at the station house, Dobey – hang on, that’s not the same guy from the Pilot! Oh, we get it, the original
Dobey testified against his racehorse bookie and is now in the Witness Protection Program, so everyone has to pretend this
is Dobey because. . . Um, didn’t it make sense on Due South? Dobey version 2 (analog compatible) is camera shy
and refuses to bring in the press, using the excuse that too many people would be injured fleeing Chevys they’ve mistaken
for the “Death Car”.
Starsky and Hutch now turn to their number one snitch, who’s explaining Huggy Bear’s Ten Habits of Highly Successful
Bartenders to the bodacious Diane Sills. She obviously has the form-fitting uniform and devastating smile down pat, if
Starsky and Hutch’s impersonations of innocent Babes in the City is anything to go by. Alas, Huggy sternly instructs Diana that these cops aren’t on the take, so no freebies. And we
thought the rooms upstairs were just for quitting heroin cold turkey. In fact, the Bear isn’t giving Starsky and Hutch
any breaks. He rags on them for coming in the front door, and Hutch’s warning that the smallest Pet Rock might introduce
Chevy’s new line of Death Cars well before 5 p.m. only gains a vague promise to make some calls.
|Hutch wonders if Starsky's hotdog qualifies as a biological weapon.
|If Hutch knows what Starsky's thinking - we don't want to know!
|Forget S/H, S/Torino is the ultimate hurt/comfort scenario!
Little old Gregg and little old Wilbur will be blown sky high.
Back at Parker Center, Dobey releases Sarah and Henny, as their attorney arranged bail for them – two hours ago! We
bet the Captain thinks the Geneva Conventions are quaint. Meanwhile, Starsky and Hutch question Sally Ann’s cousin Ted
– the very same Ted who sold our boys out to Wilbur and Gregg. After Starsky whispers in Ted’s ear about Dobey’s
enhanced interrogation techniques, Ted lies that he was forced at gun point to join the insurgency.
Starsky and Hutch now turn up the heat on Dobey to alert the media. We agree with them that the 500 other cops on alert for
the Death Car aren’t likely to find it in time. Especially as we haven’t caught sight of a single one of them.
Dobey capitulates and Hutch immediately starts dialing the number, which makes us wonder if Hutch was Bay City’s Deep Throat. As Dobey rants about the semantics of daily versus weekly reports, Starsky demonstrates the dangers of monologuing by stealing
his Captain’s burger.
It’s now T minus 47 minutes until the Death Star – whoops, Car blows up, but Wilbur and Gregg have abandoned the
rebellion and are spending their ill-gotten gains on bourgeois rock concerts. But we’re staring at the infamous fifty
sticks of dynamite and – hang on, either EH’s IRA cousins ripped off Henny and Sarah, or the courthouse was only
the beginning of the Wilson’s planned reign of terror. At any rate, the underground parking attendant overhears the
Death Car announcement on public radio (the 70s YouTube), and naturally, Starsky and Hutch are the closest cops! At least
a solitary chippie provides an escort, but some of the 499 other cops should be traded in for a bomb squad.
Good thing Starsky doesn’t believe that the least jolt could set off the dynamite. At full speed, he drives the Death
Car into a No Left Turn sign, sideswipes the parking garage wall, and demolishes the ticket booth, not to mention the nineteen
parked cars, thirteen telephone poles, two houses and eight trees that they didn’t have the budget to film. Fortunately, Starsky manages to drive the Chevy to the levee and leap into a brier patch before the car blows up real good.
Back at the parking garage, Hutch gets into a fire fight with Wilbur and Gregg, and much to Starsky’s chagrin, has pumped
both enemy combatants full of lead by the time he returns. Starsky’s dumbfounded expression when Hutch tells him to
cuff Wilbur is either because Hutch usually takes no prisoners, or because Starsky normally gets a hug after blowing up cars.
We return once more to the Eastside Home for the Aged Outlaw, where Starsky and Hutch have invited a Councilman and Huggy
to sample the seniors’ meal plan. It earns two thumbs down, along with a promise from the politician to improve their
food. Despite this victory and Huggy’s catering, the Wilsons look very subdued. However, once they learn that they aren’t
going to be waterboarded in the local jail, they dive into the soul food with a verve that charms Huggy and Starsky, but makes Hutch suspicious. Hopefully,
he’ll get a warrant and uncover Sarah and Henny’s stash of leftover dynamite and AK-47s, otherwise the Bay City
intifada has just begun.