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He wasn't killed for his dirty underwear!
The episode begins with a bus pulling into lovely, downtown Bay – Los Angeles? Yep, the bus reads Los Angeles and everyone
gets off, including one foxy lady and Kevin Mackey, who soon makes Police Squad’s special guest stars look long-lived. Moreover, after Kevin is gunned down outside the bus station, Bay City’s
finest Starsky and Hutch arrive on the scene. This means either Bay City is a precinct of Los Angeles that’s so rough
it declared independence and got its own police force (known to tourists as Bay Angeles), or Bay City is subject to quantum
shifts in time and space due to being situated on a Hellmouth (AKA Baysunnycitydale).
Let’s examine the evidence. First, a cabby who was cut off by the assassin's driver alerts Starsky and Hutch both to
the dead guy’s missing suitcase and the foxy witness. Hellmouth: 1, L.A.: 0, as the boys overlooked a blonde bimb–
witness. The boys escort the eponymous Foxy Lady, who goes by Lisa when she’s not starring in White-ploitation films, back to the precinct. There, Hutch’s visit with Captain Dobey at the water cooler results in the Blond Blitz’s
‘I can’t believe it’s not butter’ yellow leather jacket abruptly metamorphosing into dark chocolate
brown leather with a faux fur collar that highlights his wavy, golden. . . ahem. Hellmouth: 2, L.A.: 0, as Dobey obviously
wished for Hutch to dress even sexier, and vengeance (we mean, justice) demons work fast.
Hutch’s wardrobe aside, the water cooler is also an exposition fairy hangout where we learn in rapid succession that
there’s been a two million dollar bank heist in San Francisco, Kevin was a runner for Bay City mobster Clay Zachary,
and that for the 379th time Starsky and Hutch’s cover has been blown by the local media. However, as the “protecting
your undercover identity” course at Bay City’s Police Academy was taught by Detective Frank Drebin, Dobey and
the lads are only concerned about taking Foxy Lisa into protective custody at the nearest hotel. No, we don’t mean a
foursome – really people! After all, she’s just a vulnerable victim of circumstances who knew nothing of her boytoy
Kevin’s naughtiness, a story which everyone buys. Okay, okay, Hellmouth: 2, L.A.: 1.
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| Look out, Hutch! It's a portal to the Hellmouth! |
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| Lisa can't imagine what they must think of her! |
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| The heck with diamonds, this is a girl's real best friend! |
Face of an angel, heart of a con
Next morning, we learn that either Foxy resisted Starsky’s charms or he was just keeping her away from Hutch ever since
the Hellmouth water cooler made the Blond Blitz forget their night of passion. Either way, Starsk looks adorable asleep on
his couch. Except to Hutch who calls him filthy Medieval names (O young Lochinvar!), and pays more attention to the letter left on Starsky’s Lisa-less bed than his cute half-dressed partner. After disappointingly
PG bout of roughhousing on the bed, we learn that Lisa thinks that Starsky is Ken. That’ll teach Starsky to moan out
Hutch’s name while dreaming.
The boys now have no choice but to go back to the hotel where they take Skanky -- we mean Foxy -- to breakfast, giving mobster
Clay Zachary and his henchman John Carelli the chance to look for the missing cash in her room. Obviously searching isn’t
their forte, for the hotel room looks like it just hosted Fort Lauderdale's Spring Break. The dynamic duo chase after the
baddies, but all they catch is an insolent garbage can which bruises Starsky’s ego and toes (apparently he has a glass
foot to go along with his Achilles heel).
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| Two weeks to retirement and enjoying every minute of it! |
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| Extreme Makeover: Bay City Hellmouth Edition! |
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| Damn! I just got dead ex-wife out of the carpet last week! |
This is going to hurt
Starsky and Dobey confront each other’s feelings . . . ah, we mean they argue over Starsky’s plan to go after
Hutch without backup. Dobey insists that Starsky at least wear a wire, but the sexy brunet (hey, one billion fanficcers can’t
be wrong) has already requisitioned a 14692a (or is that a desk lamp?). However, the curly-haired detective is not prepared
for Dobey’s demand to lift up his shirt, and the terror in his cerulean blues (why are people snickering?) at the sight
of the tape makes us wonder about Bay City Police Academy’s hazing rituals. (Hmmm, Hellmouth: 6, L.A. 3).
Dobey’s sexual harassment of his officer turns out to be a waste of time, as Zachary instructs Starsky to either take
all his clothes off in public or remove his wire. Alas, for Starsky’s chest hair and us, he chooses the latter. What’s
more, Sheriff Lobo and Deputy Dawg (er, Dobey and Grover) write off the wireless Starsky, and don’t even notice when he’s forced to abandon the
Torino for a puke green sedan (oh the humanity!).
Zachary’s instructions lead Starsky to one of Bay City’s abandoned air fields (turn left at the abandoned warehouse
district). The mobster and his henchman have tied Hutch’s and Foxy’s hands behind their backs, and Starsky joins
the bondage bonanza by cuffing himself to the suitcase of cash. Starsk tells Carelli that the cuffs belong to Hutch. If he’s
not bamboozling the bad guys, Rosemary, CC and Dawnwind obviously have inside NC-17 info on our boys’ extracurricular
activities.
Regardless, while Zachary feels up Hutch’s pockets (for the key, we’re sure), Lisa keeps trying to score (money,
we hope) with the mobster. With the baddies distracted, the Blond Blitz head-butts Zachary into submission, the Puce Goose
transforms Carelli into a punching bag, and Foxy Lady . . . does what she does best. She jumps on the closest man and then
steals away when no one is looking. Hutch’s relief is short-lived when he learns that the only thing in Starsky’s
suitcase is dirty underwear. The dynamic duo rush after Lisa before she can fly off to Algiers with Dr. Evil’s one million
dollars!
Despite their hurry, Starsky and Hutch show up in different clothes when they arrive at Bay City’s International Airport.
Lisa also has a new suit and suitcase, so obviously another space-time continuum has occurred (Hellmouth: 7, L.A.: 3). As
they tear through her lingerie, an insurance representative hands the Slayer, we mean Foxy, a check for $50,000 for the safe
return of the stolen money. Having won the game, she abandons both lover boys covered in her undies. Good thing reality has
shifted and Hutch now remembers their blissful F/T. We’re sure that night they swore to never let another woman come
between them.
Well, until the Bay City Hellmouth erupts again. Yeah, Kira was a vengeance demon! It all makes sense now.
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| Hey! We thought we tuned into S&H, not Police Story! |
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| Never mind the jacket, what's Starsky doing down there!? |
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| 1st Amendment = cops' names, ranks, home addresses... |
A generous gift of human compassion...
But the Hellmouth strikes back! Hutch is clearly A/U as his fridge has no healthy food inside, and he applies the 30 second
rule to pizza he drops on the floor. As A/U Hutch’s pizza bakes, Lisa appears at his door in a dress where only superpowers
are keeping her breasts tucked inside (Hellmouth: 3, L.A.: 1). Lisa is just ever too fragile and frightened to be at the hotel
all by herself, and Hutch nobly tells her: “I want you in my bed.” Okay, it’s a Freudian slip, and Hutch
corrects himself by saying that he’ll sleep on the couch (for at least two seconds), and he proves his nobility by letting
her powder her nose in his washroom all by herself. However, Hutch’s Chianti wishes and leftover pizza dreams are interrupted by Starsky who needs the bathroom now!
Ignobly, Hutch tries to hide Lisa’s presence from Starsky, leading to Paul Michael Glaser’s Emmy-nominated “most
convincing gotta pee dance of 1978". However, crimes against pizza and partner are soon revealed, as Lisa pops out of the
john (okay that sounds rude) in a skimpy baby doll dressing robe. Trampy – oops, we meant Foxy dives back into the bathroom
to change into her demure stripper wear, while Hutch chastises Starsky for making “something sordid” out of it.
Hutch convinces Lisa that they still think of her as a virgin not a whore, and then cruelly hijacks the bathroom hoping that
Starsky and his full bladder will flee. Unfortunately, for the Peeping Tom A/U Hutch, Starsky does run off – with Lisa
in tow.
After softening Lisa up with shish kebob and a bribed palm reader (beware of strange hotels?), Starsky takes Foxy back to
his love nest. He doesn’t notice that his bedroom closet is now a bathroom (Hellmouth: 4, L.A.: 1), and Lisa’s
too busy playing with the money in her suitcase to care. Gasp! She’s had half the bank robbery loot all this time and
has been using her charms to bamboozle Bay City’s finest. Okay, okay, Hellmouth: 4, L.A.: 2.
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| But, Hutch! I only seduced her to protect your virtue! |
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| Attacked by a demonic garbage can, in broad daylight! |
That lady's as slick as a greased eel!
Back at Parker Center, Starsky and Hutch finally start thinking with their big heads, and investigate something other than
Foxy’s cleavage. Lisa’s innocent luster gets rusty as they learn that both Foxy and Kevin had tickets to Algiers,
and figure out that two million would fit in two suitcases better than one. She claims that she couldn’t tell the truth
because no one would believe that her conveniently dead boyfriend set her up. Well, she’s 98% right, because Captain
Dobey and old timer Detective Grover happily buy her story. Starsky and Hutch are sent off by the Cap to look for evidence
that she’s a lady and not a tramp.
Lisa realizes it’s time to take a powder, so she convinces not so cute and cuddly Grover that she needs to visit the
powder room. Sight unseen, she bribes Maggie the cleaning lady $100 to switch clothes, and the besotted Detective Grover doesn’t
notice that the cleaner is now wearing baggy jeans and high heels. Thanks to yet another Hellmouth reality shift, Foxy’s
jeans become tighter than Charlie’s Angels prison wear once she’s outside Parker Center (Hellmouth: 5, L.A.: 2). However, Maggie’s clothes don’t save Lisa from
being snatched by Zachary and Carelli, who spirit her away to Bay City abandoned warehouse #2,899 (reservations required)
and submit her to the torture of the un-comfy chair. Not expecting the Spanish Inquisition, Foxy confesses that she hid her
ill gotten gains at “Ken’s” apartment.
Like all Bay City baddies, Zachary and Carelli know where the undercover cops live and hide their keys. So they are soon trashing
Hutch’s place, just in time for Health Food Ken (carrots not included) to arrive home with his groceries. Frustrated,
the bad guys knock him out and drag him back to Foxy, who claims she meant the other “romantic cop”. Tied to an
office chair, Hutch demonstrates his superhuman powers by recovering from his concussion in minutes flat, and rolling his
wheel-less chair across the floor in Poltergeist fashion (Hellmouth: 6, L.A.: 2). Meanwhile, Zachary’s not as gullible as Dobey or Grover, so he calls up Starsky at
the station demanding the money hidden in his laundry basket in exchange for Hutch and Lisa.
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| Much to Hutch's chagrin, Carelli does not prefer blonds. |
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| I'm not going to end up taped to the flagpole again, am I? |
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| I swear, Hutch, after this we're giving up women! |
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| I had no idea you two were so into women's clothing. |
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